Guess Who’s Back?

Guess Who’s Back ? back again? …

Skinny me ! And I am sooo relieved ! Like so relieved. Just celebrated my 45th rotation via girls birthday cruise and it was awe-mazing! 

And YES thats a two piece and waist beads - who TF am I? 

As Lizzo would say Im 100% that bitch … Im not entitely but mostly - hahaha - this was probably my best vacation to date - where my insides matched my outsides and I was fully immersed in being the cute girl w no worries (well maybe flabby arms and legs) … bht great boobs & a flat stomach. Yes I said it 

And I wont lie - it feels good. Eveeything fit. Everything was cute and the hardest decision to make was which one not nothing fits and why am I here? 

Birthday dress for the win … I felt like one million dollars and. A ag of sweet heat bbq chips (my favorite).  I have so much to say and yet not suree where to start. Grateful for Mounjaro and mourning that I took my last dose last week - and Ive been in the 133-137# range for the last few weeks. Its glorious. But I am worried

So many things are topsy turvy ish but don’t have to be.  I am a different person than I was a few years ago invested in myself both inside and out and still hate to exercise LOL and drinking water (not proud, just truthful) 

Meeting new ppl they have no ide aa year ago I was 90+ pounds heavier … and thats awesome and sad at the same time. 

No real message in this post short of I’m feeling myself, scared of regain too lazy/uninspired to do what needs to be done and also unmotivated at work and want to have more fun ..

Fun costs money and time and both are limited. I’m ready for next but also worried I need to go into next with a maintenance coach and executive coach to keep me accountable  and all of that costs .. yas Money and time …

Have u lost, regained and lost again? what did you differently the second time ro maintain w/o stressing about the scale or starving urself? 

This might be my favorite pic of all the birthday pics! 

'21 Questions... And Answers

Welp it's Valentine's Day for those who celebrate. We don't make a big fuss about it - it's our dog's birthday so we may do a little bit of something with her - she turned 6 - Cannot believe "Ms. I'm afraid of animals" is posting about celebrating dog-ter's anniversary of joining our family. 

It was a great weekend - celebrated "GAL-entine's with Oprah by way of WW (yep back on that wagon) and then broke bread with gal pals for brunch. Oprah's gurus of course offered a ton to consider and reflect on - the importance of 

• mindfulness/being present
• manifesting-love
• prioritizing self-care
• focusing on energy management

Strive to Become Someone... Not just Do Something

 I read this quote in a meal planning blog and it made me cry real tears... VERY real tears. Like aloud and ugly cry straight out of nowhere

Strive to become someone... not just do something. 

I hired a mindset coach almost a year ago and we have been doing a lot of work around thoughts, the brain and how our actions are driven by the patterns our brain replays. 

Weight loss has been one of my biggest and longest running struggles throughout my life (child and adult). I have tried multiple diets, programs and is it possible that it's never been about diet culture, motivation or punishment. What if it's always been about what serves me? 

What if this entire process - LIFE - is about becoming someone... not just doing something - work, diet, exercise, books, etc.

Who do I want to become... for me? Not for a promotion or a bio or what have you been up to over the years? 

I am rethinking everything - who do I want to become? do I want to become a mom, a bigger leader, a better Christian, wife?  All of that reads like I'm creating the shell of a bio or how I want others to see me... 

What if the question is who do I want to be become... and be proud of ? Not what do I want to do? 

How do I begin to answer those questions? 

I want to become a woman that shows up for herself in a meaningful way. A woman that says she's going to do something for herself 

A woman who honors her word, envisions her future self and begins to practice actions that lead to her ultimate fulfillment. 

Another Round ... Something Slightly New

(Very late publish - initially drafted July 2020)

Another round of something new... on this journey -
I was considering Qsymia but divine intervention may have saved me from it - wound up on Phentermine and Topamax which is bonafide Qsymia. Strangest thing though - I have NEVER been tired on phentermine and yet I'm yawning at 6pm and they were right about the Topamax making diet soda taste strange if not flat out nasty - I live for diet coke and coke zero. Just had a swig and it is downright awful I mean intolerable...which was not a bad thing. 

Can't lie I wasn't hungry today, but I did eat out of boredom. I was actually hungry around 5pm and ate more calories than called for so I may be done eating for the day but I'm now officially tired and it's not a food coma tired, it's legit I could go to sleep right now tired.

So I'll need to monitor this - hence why I came straight to the blogger to document and I dropped entries in MFP as a reminder of how many calories I consumed and what they were.

I did not even take the 2nd half of the phentermine which when I remembered it was almost 5pm I would never take it that late I'd be all sorts of wired the rest of the day but I've also never been this sleepy either.

I didn't do that great of a job intermittent fasting either. My first meal was at 10 so I guess if I'm trying to be done eating now then I successfully ate all my calories in an 8-hour window then I can eat again tomorrow by 10 am. Will see how that goes. That could conceivably work but not ready to commit just yet.

My birthday is exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow was hoping I would have had at least a month under my belt with the IF and new protocol but allegedly it takes 3 weeks to form a habit, I've proven that is NOT true, but we will see, but more importantly, I will try hard to maintain the window in which I eat - definitely helps if I'm not hungry  - DUH! said the very full and sleepy person :)

I missed today's starting weight though - boo!  Last I checked which was maybe Saturday I was 201.6 which is a miracle (I feel like I'm 250).

Will keep you posted. 

Clearing The Clutter

About one year ago, I stumbled onto Tammy's blog,  Oganize Yourself Skinny and through her e-course, I discovered some of my food triggers include clutter.

It made sense why this was so timely because construction on our new home was complete, but as with any new build project, there are always open items and loose ends The biggest of the loose ends was that it took another few months for us to have our driveway poured and we did not get grass until almost mid-August (we closed in late February). As much as I loved our home driving up to the house and seeing the mud, dirt, and lack of curb appeal wreaked havoc on my emotions instantly. I could not figure out why I was so angry every day walking into an otherwise beautiful home. There was nothing we could do about the curb, but I discovered the frustration continued to build if I came in and there was clutter on the island - typically unread, undelivered unsorted mail, and any other odds and ends or if the loft was in disarray. All of these "little fires' were setting me off and contributing to the downward spiral of a bad mood and of course the lash out of making poor dinner choices.

Tammy's e-course helped me step through that and begin to combat (again what we all know) control what you can control and manage the rest best you can. I can absolutely manage island clutter. It's the same effect a made bed has on you when you come home from a long day. If the island was clear mentally I processed that as a clean canvas to prepare dinner. A cluttered counter was one more thing to do before I could eat or prepare a healthy or at least a home-cooked meal and it made me feel defeated before I started.

As I stepped through this e-course and continue to read through Tammy's blog I started picking up on the patterns - like coming in to work on Monday morning to hundreds of unread emails, a disheveled desk and unplanned calendar and to-do list. I felt sunk before I started and overwhelmed by the pre-work before I could actually begin tackling this week's work. Friday became the dedicated admin day and while that does not always go off unfoiled, I know it needs to be done before the weekend in order for me to rest easy and not spend the entire weekend anxiety-ridden about what awaits me.

Fast forward to the stay at home order in which the ghost of Pantry gone wild plagued me day in and day out as I continued to grocery shop and buy duplicates because I didn't know what I had and I found myself cranky when I had to step into the "pantry I always wanted". It was bad ya'll - I will let you see for yourself. Not my proudest little secret and like any deep dark secret it began to haunt me.

Can you see that? I told you it was bad. I Pintereste'd the hell out of ideas of how to tackle how quickly it could be done, but the thing I was avoiding most was what I knew needed to be done. I needed to map out a strategy by asking myself what I wanted the outcome to be? Did I want this to be a catch-all space? Was it intended to be an appliance haven?S Surplus from the cabinets? What did I want when this was all over? Because this would not be a multi-generational project. I had no intention of going back and touching everything to upgrade and re-do.

This project wound up taking me 2 weekends and 2 workdays, but it was so worth it. I wound up taking out everything, starting with the appliances and making the call on what needed to be in the pantry because it justifies space or could be relegated to the basement for special occasions (and worth the walk).  I leveraged all of the counter and tabletop space I could to organize piles of canned, boxed, packaged goods, and decided I wanted zones to help ease the burden of meal prep and decision making. I will spare you the ins and outs but basically, it took as long as it did because I spent the time and money to order tools from the Container Store, Target, and Amazon to help with layout and organization. Some were hit and miss. Some were first run scores.  Once I found my groove I was again a woman on a mission.

I was offered help from friends with children that were bored being at home and have early-onset OCD and would have been happy to help, but this was a project I needed to step through alone, carefully think through my strategy in the kitchen, how I wanted to label and organize and frankly I wanted to bask in the glory of completing this task. This was oddly cathartic. Touching every can, every package revisiting every diet plan I'd been on in the last few years was eye-opening - just how much space, time, and money dumped into programs that never took off or saw the light of day.  I thought I'd be bummed by the expired canned goods and the unopened protein shakes or one serving used protein powders and the artificial sweetener that could only be found on amazon for Keto b/c suddenly Splenda was not approved 'fake sugar'.  I felt empowered, emboldened to take control of this tiny space that I "always wanted". I suddenly remembered that I've never had a space this large before just for food. I also recalled a recent house tour and this was the one door I was embarrassed to open until the guest asked what was behind this door and I was mortified but opened it anyway. I felt shame that the rest of my beautiful home was so orderly and a space that I need to use every day was a moshpit. 

That moment replayed and haunted me for weeks and I felt PRESSURE to do something during the stay at home order because I was here and I'm never [usually] home and this is a big item on the to-do list and everyone else is getting stuff done. Oh by the way work was super busy the first 5 weeks of the stay at home order. I was being unfair to myself making this pantry impede my already overflowing to-do list. But I carved out time and space in my mind and I accomplished the project and could NOT be prouder of it.

What did I learn?

Once I got past how daunting it was and how much time it would take and focused on what it would offer me later - less trigger and a way to manage my meal prep it became exciting. It became a puzzle that only I could figure out and design and there was so much satisfaction and momentum that came shortly thereafter. It made me think about my weight loss journey. To consider the intended outcome but not become preoccupied with how long it would take. Once I knew I wanted to be out of the odd-shaped packages, pouches, and boxes I knew what I had to do and suddenly the time it would take to get there was no longer my priority. It was about the efficiency of the process and the sustainability of the end result. I knew I did NOT want to have to move an item to get to another item I needed frequently, I knew I did not want to make the process so complex that I would eventually have to start over. I knew I wanted to see EVERYTHING in the room and zip through taking inventory for grocery runs and I wanted access to accessories like my aprons that I love but have been folded up in drawers all over the house for the last 10+ years. Just like weight loss journey - less about the pace in which it takes you to get there but that you have a goal in mind and the goal is flexible and the method to keep all things in order really drives the effort you put forth today.

The suspense MUST be killing you to see the end result? I'm glad you asked, here it is. I threw in some drawers and cabs well.

What if any triggers de-rail your weight loss and fitness journey? How do you combat them or re-frame to get back on track?

Perspective

It's been a while - but that has become my M.O. - inconsistent. I recently had some frank conversations with myself and listened to a crap-ton (technical term) of podcasts in effort to get my mindset in order. I will spare you the gory details of the programs and attempts at quick fixes since my last post. I for one am trying to forget about them and move on to what's important - today and today's ahead.

Since then, there have been many moments when I thought this would make an 'excellent' comeback post. Spoiler alert-the comeback is not a winning found my way and got back to goal weight story... yet. Instead, it's a woman on a mission to find her sense of self-story (or post).

Since the pandemic/stay at home order I have found myself doing what I always do - pushing forward towards the bright light even if it meant white-knuckling my way through it.  We are going into the 12th week of working remotely and by now by my expectations and calculations, I should have hit goal weight and or been well on my way to goal.  What my expectations did not factor in was the emotional toll and rollercoaster the last 12 weeks would present.

Loss of loved ones due to Corona Virus, loss of #blacklives to more senseless discriminatory actions, loss of physical touch, and in-person connection of those outside our household, which admittedly I crave more than I believed prior to all of this. Loss of busy nights and evenings with work events, community commitments, and or late nites in the office.  Loss of a commute to work and the dread of adverse impacts inclement weather will bring, loss of anxiety about working from home to accommodate contractors, doctor's appointments, or feeling unwell as a result of flare-up and needed a later start to allow my joints to get moving.

What have I gained? Oh, you mean other than weight? I gained a new perspective of myself - my strengths, weakness, and source of motivation. I will attempt to unpack each in its own post. I gained a newly tidy, organized pantry and cabinets, an appreciation for what self-care looks like for me. Also, I gained an appreciation for all the nuggets of self-care, education, and life lessons that have been right under my nose all this time but I was too 'busy' to notice or take advantage. The importance of the full package - good rest, nutrition, and physical activity - all the stuff that people have been saying forever.  A refined sense of what it means to run my own race - in my own way, in my own time and terms.

My normal way to look back over the last 12 weeks - is all that I could, should, wanted to have accomplished or where I would be today if only I did insert the blank. Today I look back on the 12 weeks or 3 months as the time I needed to slow down, evaluate how I respond to change and offer myself grace and patience and love for stepping through it and accomplishing some bigger items on my to-do list that I had the wherewithal to step through and the gift of mental and physical space to act.

I am considering implementing Self Care Sunday - and perhaps journaling/blogging and considering my week's focus will be built into that program, but no commitment there. Part of SCS will be about leaning into what relaxes me, gives me energy, and positively feeds my spirit and sets me up for the week to feel refreshed, engaged, and mentally prepared.

What does your rest/refresh day look like?

Day 4

Today wasn't too bad. I've stretched out my meals though I HAVE to eat lunch by 1130 or I'm famished. Tea in the morning helps I had a lot of tea today which helps contribute to water consumption by my calculation of course.

Lunch was yummy-replica of dinner and a lunch box size apple later on the afternoon.

What did I learn? That I'm.not a huge fan of stevia - specifically Dole’s no sugar added diced peaches no was so excited to have them as a snack but the insanely syrupy fake sweetness was disgusting.  I had to grab the container and look at the ingredients and thereby was stevia- maybe I can sit them in some water to get them out of the syrup. What a huge disappointment!

Dinner however far from disappointing - shrimp with lemon pepper string beans - deelish & so filling. Should have videotaped myself slicing each shrimp & string beans into bite-size pieces and enjoying every.single.morsel!

No judgement on the mismatch disposable/permannent utensils or the tobacco sauce stain at the edge of the plate. 

Newbie

Ok, so I know last round I said I’d be following Heather’s Half Size Me approach but I fell off the wagon of even doing that and I did what she made me vow (theoretically) not to do - try another last ditch effort. You guys I hit 198 and blew right past it to 202.8 as of this afternoon which includes loading this pst weekend with the intention of hitting 5000 calories each day. If I made it to 3500 that was plenty.  

Ok so it sounds like HCG but it’s crapton more expensive and offers a bit more flexibility with meal prep & food combinations. Intermittent Fasting is still key but I already appreciate this is doctor supervised WEEKLY! 

Drops vs shots, b12 and other supplements to go along with. The one other thing I’m trying this round is outsourcing meal prep to help me enjoy meals without the hassle of having to make it myself. Tonight’s dinner inspired this post - “breadless” deconstructed  crabcake with Dole chopped salad - Pomegranate and extras excluded + Walden Farms Thousand Island.  We all know WF has NOTHING on wishbone but ina lunch when you need something with a little kick to spruce up a dry salad nothing ever  

tasted so good. Not thrilled that it’s not all natural and or clean but by 2B mindset standards that’s a topping and doesn’t hold as much weight & falls into the 80/20 rule where my 2.5 cups of salad is the 80 & the dressing is the 20%

What’s interesting about this is that I was satisfied with dinner and this is the part where I ask why am I fat or struggling with this 40# weight gain and the answer is ideal conditions

1. Some of the work was done for me 

2. Today was not an incredibly stressful day

3. I feel like I have space to operate (which reality is I am on borrowed time as I always am)

4. I am hopeful because today went so well

Not sure how long the budget can sustain outsourcing meal prep, but if the scale moves in the right direction just may need to rework some other spend to continue this week. Again it’s only day 1 ofLosing  phase and I’m curious to see what tomorrow’s step in the scale reports 

In the meantime I will attempt to check in every few days with updates. Below is 3 oz of crabmeat and 2 cups of salad with a generous serving of dressing - guesstimating 2.5-3 tablespoons. 

Meal plan 

Lunch & dinner 4 oz lean protein, 4 oz non starchy vegetables, 1 serving bread product (melba toast, 1/2 flat out or bread sticks. Less than 60 calories each serving of bread product). 

Breakfast - coffee, tea, water, stevia 

Face the Music

Hey friends! Happy Thanksgiving eve. So I got squeezed in with my surgeon in NY  for an ACCURATE read on my weight. Officially up 30 pounds from my last visit Apr 2016.  We spoke about my options - my sleeve has stretched but mostly from air (soda, beer , carbonation etc). I am disappointed and had even called a bunch of surgeons in mexico to get more  work done - Not convinced I wont and im a blabber mouth enough to have asked my PA (love her) about it - and she was honest. She said its not done in our office (blabber mouth didnt mention medical tourism) but you could talk to the doc regarding re-sleeving though it will be $$ (i already called my insurance - they dont cover re-visions).

Anyway i asked her honestly what can I do- she said honestly now u HAVE TO put in work. I kinda knew that answer already & may have rolled my eyes ha.  But she’s right- and its less about speed and ease as much as its life. As I / we will know it. Annoyed yes - frustrated sorta- shocked? Not even close. She asked me to close my eyes and think back to how and what made me push so hard . Eyes popped open & I declared every day i weighed leas than yesterday. Theres no better motivation than that. 

She said true, but thats not reality or sustainable. So everyday that ur on the right track and logging/journaling & moving should be something to celebrate bc you are in control. She also said it took a while for ur poor eating habits to catch up with you and you should reasonably expect a delay in seeing the effects of  good habits on the scale. 

That said. We did a barium exam - and my sleeve isnt out of control back to basics will allow it to get back to a leaner/tighter  sleeve and ultimately a leaner tighter summa.

Am I convinced I can do it? In my heart of hearts if i busted my ass - yes! Do I want to? Most days - do I want to ? No, I’m tired of fighting this same fight but it seems this is my lot to bear in this lifetime, and I need to be ok with either fighting the good fight or throwing in the towel once and for all. Will I ever be out of this weight game? Probably not.

What’s next on the agenda for me? The usual 

•Incorporating physical activity

•Healthy/mindful eating 

•Consistency

I need help with MOTIVATION. I am naturally motivated by metrics.

Changes in the scale & the the way my clothes fit.

My struggle - enjoying/engaging physical activity 

Sh*t is Getting Real

Though I don't want to admit it I am more a creature of habit than I care to admit.

I am now 41 and a month.. last post I was closer to 40 and 2 months. So much has happened in the last year - hardly the impetus for lack of posts as much as I often forget this blog exists since it's not public. Instead I was journaling and recalled why I stopped with the hard-copy and reverted to soft copy - 1) flexibility of 'penning' thoughts wherever I am 2) when RA flareups strike, as they are now, typing is much easier 3)carrying around a notebook and a pen is so 25 years ago - ha!

Alright y'all (and likely y'all is me!) Quick Stats Updated

HW: 247

LW: 137

CW: 196 (gulp!)

I am hella scared of hitting 200 pounds and I am sooo close. I have been driving myself ragged "fearing" it and counter-intuitively eating ALL THE THINGS! None of the good things of course. I could go on and about how busy life is and how I'm stretched and blah blah blah but that would be excuses, it's true - but it's all bullshit.

I just did a quick recap in my notebook and ugggh I'll retype because it's actually worth me re-reading when I sit down for my next post. 

Heather's (Half Size Me) Lesson 4, 4 step process (I will go into that later) was a really helpful exercise an I think I will start with the water habit this week. Increasing consumption and using flavor enhancers (despite all of the criticism around the negative impact of crystal light and blah blah blah). Yah I can use fruit as well but I'm a slow water drinking so the fruit in my cup will go rancid faster than I would get through the one cup. The alleged cancer causing agents in Crystal Light take much longer to 'turn on me'.  I digress. I'll start with attempting 64 oz and work my way up to 1/2 my body weight (gulp!, that's damn near 100 oz of water per day). 

Pretending not to be disappointed that I've gained back half my weigh loss surgery wins is hard.  I hung out at 145-150 pounds for a good 18 months and was convinced I could stay there forever and frankly I stayed that course for a good stint with admittedly little effort. Maybe it was a little TOO easy.   When we left Stamford I was 159ish, by the time we got "settled" in to Loveland, say March '17 I was 165ish and struggling to get back to 159 - enter Keto diet.. which frankly never quite launched for/with me. If I lost and kept off 6 pounds on Keto that was a lot - I don't think I was ever strict enough and or ever really got into ketosis #epicfail. 

Fast forward a year to March 2018 when we moved to Columbus - I was 173-175 and pretty miserable and not happy I was buying/ fitting into bigger Mediums/Larges and wearing more of a size 12 than my coveted (10's which was the highest double digit dress size I ever wanted to wear again).., Ha! Really? Fast forward another 18 months in Sep 2019 and I'm a whopping 196 pounds! What in all the fuck happened - 30 pounds in less than 3 years? I've regained one third of my WLS loss in 3 years, which is 10 pounds per year, approximately 1 pound per month! Now let me offer some more context - less than 6 months ago I was 170ish on the brink of getting back into my 10s comfortably and coming for the 160s with a vengeance. That was first round of HCG - which looking back was not hard the first go, but almost impossible the 2nd 2 attempt to follow in subsequent months. True to form Heather's theory I shouldn't celebrate that success because here I am back up those coveted 20 pounds with 5 friends considering my highest recorded weight since WLS was 190 in January.. Today I stand at the same height of 5'3" and 196! It hurts even typing it. 

Yesterday I told someone I'm not losing because I don't want to or I'm not actually ready - sure I want to, but short of inundating my brain with blogs and potential plans I've been eating my way quickly towards 200 pounds.  

I recently stumbled across Heather Robertson's podcast, Half Size Me and I'm moved by it. Clearly not moved enough to start but Heather takes a different approach to weightloss. She encourages maintenance mindset and being honest, sincere and kind with yourself about habits, non negotiables and what can be a sustainable weightloss experience that won't throw you back into the perils of bad habits and the inevitable regain. 

Through the podcast she's helped me identify so much BEHAVIOR bullshit which is really MindSET bullshit that I almost look forward to traffic so I can get through a full session. Most are anywhere from 35-60 minutes. Did I really just say I look forward to traffic? ha! Yah, that happened. What do I really want ? What am I NOT prepared to give up? Can I be ok with being patient with my weightloss?

To be clear, she doesn't endorse any plan over another as much as she encourages more thoughtful steps before jumping into the next plan. Where are you now? what are you doing now? What is your current benchmark. I could go on an on- check out her website halfsizeme.com (which I'm less familiar with) than her blog, Half Size Me which I have come to rely on heavily. 

So back to my next steps - what are they? What's really challenging me from getting my shit together? 

Laziness - throwing a pity party - FOMO - feeling like I suddenly should have it all even though I haven't put for consistent effort in much of anything lately? 

Again this year has come with some pretty amazing opportunities and wins but I'm a big hung up on my own nonsense like extra weight to actually celebrate them or lean into the learning- stupid I know. 

So now I take it one step at a time. I create a benchmark - I log the bullshit I'm consuming and maybe even take/make notes on the days events that help contribute to the over-consumption and I can evaluate my calories consumed vs what I know to be 'normal' calorie consumption and I go from there. 

I'm done with shots (unless its enbrel for RA) and pills & packaged food as my go to. I'm ready to own my junk food addiction and step through what sustainable meal planning looks like.  Just made me think of  two more post opportunities for the near future. 

The Lies we Tell ourselves about Meal Planning/Prepping and "The Art of Stable". Slightly unrelated... but I will bid you adieu for now - hopefully I can become a regular on my own blog going forward... May even go public!