update

Bad Blogger! 

It's been a while - too long actually!

Just a few weeks away from thanksgiving and im excited to have hit my 6 month surgiversary last Friday and officially diwn 75 pounds from highest weight of 247!

It still feels surreal - that I am almost a universal size 12!  im lower than my high school prom weight! stoked! 

unfortunately not as enthusiastic about the worsening state of my RA - so much for losing a "few" pounds and feeling better :/ its annoying but for the most part its becoming a lifestyle change - living with change.

Scheduled follow up this Monday was hopkng to be out of thd 170s but I havent exactly been following the program as recommended - not enough protein, not taking my vitamins and definitely not enough water - despitemy hundreds of gadgets :) this is me we are talking about so no great surprise there.

highlights:

Madly in love with belts now - all shapes sizes and colors 

experimental with hair styles and  fashion

comfortable making eye contact

love getting dressed, goingshopping and   glamming up for EVERYTHING

most comfortable sitting position is with my legs crossed NOW

being able to shop at Victoria's Secret for all of my intimate apparell

people's sudden interest in my weight loss and making a fuss over how great i look

taking a daily pic to track my progress

looking and feeling good in my clothes

being clalled "tiny" and "skinny"

wow! in all fairness didnt know the highlights list was so long - im full of shit! Sure I did

low lights:

awful bouts of morning stiffness and frequent flareups

running out of clothes faster than I can keep up with - kind of a highlight too hahahh

being treated differently by people - better than before, but thats what makes it awful

some of the backhanded compliments

seeing others struggle with their weight and not able to suggest they look into WLS

not sleeping well - RA 

not being able to be more physically active 

some of these points - both high and low light deserve their own blog entry and hopefully i will and can address them sooner rather than late - while thr emotions are still relevant.

For now will close out with some progress pics

sadly i havent kept up with my blog, there have been sooo many amazing milestones - but they werent lost - celebrated them with the May Sleevers secret group on FB and of course with mom!  I wanted this to be another forum for expression, therapy, and whatever else.

Anyway thats all for now.

1 month and 17 day check in

I've been not so good at checking in here. Things are well. Didn't think I'd survive the head hunger that came with liquids only or even graduating to shakes only. Never looked forward to mushy food so much.

Nutritionist progressed me to phase 3 - two shakes and one meal ... Solid food and raw veggies.

I feel good. Some days better than others but not how I meant that back in the day. Every day I feel good some days I feel super.

The other day shared with my FB private group that I think I'm falling in love with myself. I have spent the last few years disappointed with my appearance and diet ADD. And now, I'm well on my way to thinking Summa is an awesome gal. Not just because of what she looks like... But how she feels; what she presents to others and her new found confidence.

I no longer take the empty aisle to my desk or the back staircase. I'm walking down the active aisle and making rounds to greet my dormer colleagues. There's a little extra swagger in my hips and flirt in my smile. All innocent of course.

On a serious note .... The other day I was sharing how exciting it is to shop in my own closet, but bigger than that I smile everyday and it feels natural. I can see the sadness leaving my eyes and see the sparkle that I once knew but became a very distant memory.

I'm almost past the need for other people to comment on my weight loss because I know they can feel the difference in my vibe and I am very much in tune with where I'm coming from. I can still be a royal cranky pants but I'm more of a smiler these days. Few people saw me at my biggest -- I was in serious hiding but now I don't regret my food funeral at all. I remember how good the food tasted but also remember the guilt and disgust I suffered shortly after. I don't miss that. Secretly I think that's what made the first twenty pounds come off so quickly - it was the quick twenty I gained between thanksgiving and surgery(may 1st)

Today, date wise its a non- event however the NSVs are plenty - I'm wearing a dress I last wore at my lowest reported weight in over ten years ( that was two years ago..23 months ago if we were counting) and today I am one pound away from that milestone and elated.

The dress fits ... Room for improvement but one month ago zipping it wasn't an option let alone open for discussion. I can FiNALLY see the difference in my face and my love handles. Can feel them too...less of them that is!

So big reveal so far 1 month and 17 days post op ... I am down 37 pounds. Don't think ever been close to a 40 pound loss before and I am elated. Looking forward to One-derland very soon - Eek! My short goal was to be under two hundred by my 35th birthday in August ...looks like I'm ahead of schedule God's willing. But not there yet so will hold off on counting my eggs!

Haven't taken any inches but ill give you a visual circa ten pounds ago... Will have to update side by sides at the 40 pound loss check point.

Queue up sappy -1990s sitcom closing music - envision Full House, Family Matters, Growing Pains, etc.

If you are on this journey, stay focused and take it one day at a time ... If you are toying with it I suggest doing your research and evaluating your options and commitment level (lapband vs gastric sleeve vs gastric bypass). Either way KNOW you are not alone in your thoughts and or efforts. Contact me I'd you like to chat offline and also be courageous to join forums and ask questions if your curious... Only stupid question are those that go in-asked.

If you have a loved one on this track support them, love them and empower them to perform the aforementioned. Leave judgment at the door. You may not be able to understand their pain, struggle or limitations - but there are countless.

Thanks for listening ... Til next time ...

-Chubbette

The First Supper

Today is day 19 post op and my first NUT visit. Officially down 22.5 pounds and I can see and feel the difference. Even more exciting was that I've been advanced to one meal per day of mushy foods. Ta dah!!! The moment I've been waiting for (other than the first 20 pounds to go). Well I knew I'd be dining on a white fish and decided to go all out and make some fresh sautéed garlic spinach per Ina Garten from the food network. The meal was a really quick prep and smelled deelish.

How excited was I to sit down to my small plate with my appetizer fork at the dining room table (which I never do unless there is company) alone to enjoy my first meal. Even weighed everything out on my food scale 3 oz of flounder well moistened a s 3 oz of spinach equally well moistened. Followed the advice of the NUT and attacked my protein first. Chewed each nite 15-30 times but I snuck in a few nibbles of spinach bc well it smelled and tasted so good.


I'd go on and on about the time and the chewing but l fast forward to how far I made it .... Not very. Less than half the flounder was consumed. And more than the majority of the spinach. I'm still sitting here toying with one more bite. But erring on the side of caution.


This sleeve truly is a Godsend. Who'd have thought greedy on over here would be on Just one ounce of fish. First time for everything, huh?

The Fight

Last nite hubbster and I attended a fight party with neighbors. Mayweather vs Guerrero. I'm not a huge boxing fan and a I heard a glimpse of the menu and initially thought I'd sit it out, however realized I need to face my fears sooner rather than later.

Both mayweather and I spent most of the fight on defense. Him against guererro and me against head hunger:). That's not really true I walked in to a beautiful display of shrimp cocktail adorned over a margarita glass and immediately thought yes! That's low carb I can so have that and snapped back to reality remembering I was still on clear liquids- crazy how that temporarily slipped my mind, right? Once I came to the host came in with some bomb ass tropical frozen adult beverage and insisted I just have a sip. That was an easy turn down since I've always believed in eating, not drinking my calories. There were ribs and bacon wrapped scallops. In theory if I were in my Atkins days I would have been in seventh heaven.


Surprisingly it wasn't the end of the world. I brought with a bottle of water and a crystal light packet and nursed it during the night. there were mini pretZels .. Possibly my favorite fat free snack. Notice how the fatgirl mindset changes diets to accommodate what she wants to eat.

The head hunger is rough I think when you can smell what you can't have, but again I stress not being hungry really helps to diffuse head hunger. After the first thirty minutes I was just fine.

I'm proud of myself for stepping up and going because normally when Im on a diet I have a way of avoiding social events in fear of falling off the wagon and mot wanting to be tempted by all that i believe Im missing. I think it's important for us, in order to embrace our sleeves and our new life style to push our tolerance to accommodate a mixed environment. Finding comfort and happiness in the event and not the food. That's not to say we can't bring things that others can enjoy. After all we aren't the party poopers. Looking forward to being farther along past shakes and yogurt so I can bring a dish that I too can enjoy.

Today pushing my tolerance a bit and watching food network in between HGTV.

Will share any sleeve friendly modified recipes I encounter!

Have a great cinco de mayo!

Day 2-3 Post Op

Sorry, meant to check back in after the last post but it seemed all my devices were dead as I quarantined myself to the basement/mancave to avoid the kitchen. I didn't think it was avoidance until this morning when I had to stop in and realized I hadn't opened my refrigerator since Tuesday. Think I broke my own record - especially since I had been home all week so to speak....

Alright so the not being hungry thing is a beast - but now I can speak to head hunger -- so I was watching tv most of what Ive done during the day and realize that yes, I am not hungry but there is a food commercial and my mouth is watering - not for real, but I think I want it.  Don't think I've ever seen 'honey nut cheerios" commercial so much ever. Whew! These advertisers really know how to get us. Granted Ive never dropped everything for that - normally Sonic and Red Lobster would catch my attention sooner, but it's the point of how powerful our minds are even when we know better.

So, just to give you a glimpse of how serious head hunger is. Mom was over most of the day she and hubbs had been doing a really great job of not eating in front of me.. but I told them it was fine. She had chinese delivery and I guess put the leftovers in the fridge.  On the way home she forgot the bag on the dining room floor and called to let me know so one of us (hubbs or me) could put it away for her. When she called I was asleep and heard her clearly. Hung up the phone and got closed my eyes and thought maybe I can go upstairs and just... wait for it... Lick the gravy off one piece of  broccoli toss it and put the rest in the fridge.  Please understand that I was barely awake... How the hell did I come up on with that in such a short span of time.. Well good news is I told myself that was ridiculous not to mention gross, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I thought that went well, but I had to chuckle at how quickly 'the cheating mentality' snuck in there. I am really trying to take full advantage of NOT feeling hungry. I was the person who woke up already planning to skip breakfast so I can go 'hard" on lunch on the weekend. To have nursed one 18.5 oz bottle of Pure Leaf diet peach tea over 16 hours and still have some left and not be starving or cranky is beyond unfathomable.

Sleeping. Feels good but gets uncomfortable when the gas bubble begins to travel. Also doesnt help that I haven't slept in my bed in a few days. Not proper sleeping hygiene. Tonight I will be back in bed and enjoy the slumber of my plush kingsize.

Activity.Walked for about 30 minutes yesterday outside. Felt good - Im slow but feels good on the limbs and lungs.  Opted out of taking any pain meds yesterday but did take the ulcer preventing meds. Hoping today to be more productive - fold and put away some laundry and even clean/re-organize my desk. It looks crazy.

Challenges/Concerns.  Going  back to work - Im scared of that. Havent told anyone but manager about surgery and we have a basket filled with gum and random treats/snacks - girl scout cookies pretzels, candy whatever and its near my desk. Thats been the central location sinceI joined the team so Id be rude to move it. On the other hand most days I start out avoiding it but then work gets stressful or frustrating and I find myself having an out of body experience where I'm in there and partaking. Not being hungry helps but I clearly will have to fight a little harder to avoid the emotional eating. Ahh, then there is the conference Im scheduled to attend May 29-31 in NYC. Great networking opprtunity but includes continental breakfast and a huge lunch. My co-worker and I are planning to attend together so I am hoping to fill up the evenings with sight seeing type stuff and less food/drink. Thinking ahead of calling the hotel and requesting a room with a fridge so I  can bring shakes with me.  If there isnt a fridge Im, sure I cam buy shakes on consumption locally at GNC and Vitamim Shop, but Id rather not go that route.

Sharing/Disclosure. Right now my intention is not to share surgery wirh anyone outside of the handful of people that already know. The new diet will be explained by having had ulcer surgery and doctor putting me on a strict diet to help with the healing.. As time progresses I'll explain that I liked the effects of the diet and have opted to work with a nutritionist and begin exercising more.

Support. Thank goodness for my neighbors, Mom and my the May 2013 Sleevers private facebook page. They have all been a tremendous source of support and I couldn't be more appreciative.  Something about sharing with those who are in a similar situation totally takes the edge off defending your decision and or explaining why certain things are challenging.

What is the plan for today? Id love to get to the mall and run some errands- get my eyebrows done - admin crap like that return somethings to JCP that I anticipate will be TOO big for me in upcoming weeks and just spend some time enjoying the beautiful weather while I recuperate. Maybe even put on some make up and try looking like the old almost new me again. Have I mentioned that  being on clear liquids only diet is really good for your skin :)

How are you doing ? Coping ? Feeling? I'd love to hear ...

Recovery

It came and went. Still in the hospital. Really nice and accommodating nurses. Appears I have 5 incisions. The only discomfort for now is the traveling gas bubble.

Yesterday began a new chapter of my life - summa takes two! Going on day 3 clear liquids only. Thought I'd have tons more to say but I don't.

Short of the great appreciation I have for the may sleevers group on Facebook. Quite a few of them have checked in with me and are asking a ton of questions. I like questions.

Yesterday I slept like a beast. I mean slept like I've never slept before. It was great. I did some walking later in the day.

Getting tired will check back soon

The F Jokes

Joined a new department at work roughly six weeks ago. Manager has a lapband and speaks freely of it. Looking at him you may or may not know but he's an open book with that stuff. While I'm not looking to share my journey just yet.

Now I'm visibly the largest in the department of the women and likely the guys as well. But both sexes make awful jokes or comments about being or getting fat ... Like the one girl who likely wears a size 4 or even a 6 said. I can't keep eating like this. I'm going to get a stroke and die or whatever it is fat people get when their hearts can't take it anymore. And I almost corrected her to say its a heart attack and ur skinny azz could get one just like a fat person. It's aggravating and insensitive. ... Like the worst possible thing that could happen to a human being us that they wind up fat !

Am I taking it personal? Yes ! Should I ? Y not?

Turning the other cheek I make fat jokes often or fat comments often but they are usually towards myself, not for that audience but folks closer to me. It's not right and its self loathing. Part of what I was supposed to be working on while in therapy and in life in general. It's mean and hurtful even if its towards myself and others. That begs the question what gives me the right to be so angry with the folks at work when in guilty of a similar offense ?

Happiness. Am I close or farther than I've ever been?

There's a cd in the car from who knows where that has gospel music on it ... Track number two couldn't tell you the name of it , but since the first time bearing it (roughly a year ago) I've loved it and its brought me to tears on occasion ... So the gist is the singer is telling their loved one how they want to see then happy. They miss seeing them smile and dance. Eventually he goes on to talk about the devil trying to steal your joy but the chorus and majority of the song is " oh I want to see you happy. I want to see you smile.i want to see you dance. You should be happy."

The first time I heard it it caught my attention, so I put it on repeat. By the third time hearing it I was a wreck. Crying and driving. Dangerous. I know. I couldn't put my finger on it because I thought I was "happy". I had just landed a new job and was excited about turning a new lead but there was angst oh boy was there angst. It got me to thinking about why I want happy and when I couldn't pinpoint that, was forced to ask myself when I was last happy. I think the resounding answer was my wedding day almost three years ago. Sunday September 19,2010. I didn't wake up happy but I snapped myself into the reality that I had the rest of my life to be upset and this day - I would put in my best and embrace the moment. And I did. Looking at the pictures from the wedding and layer the honeymoon. I was happy you could see a calm over me that was distinct .... Granted I was worried bc my Kim bad just suffered a stroke a mere three weeks before the wedding, discharged two days prior and I worried about her care and lifestyle - how would she cope? How would I cope on the heals of moving over an hour away into a new home? I was concerned. But for some reason it didn't show. I'm grateful for that - wedding photographers and videographers are not cheap so pics aren't ruined, but since I think I've kept kg word and have used every day since to be upset or angry or worried. Unintentionally of course but happening albeit.

With that unhappiness and despair came more of course. Those things travel together. But now here I am less than twenty four hours away from a life changing surgery and I see a face full of sadness and worry and nervousness. Joy just related to the surgery but really asking will I change? Will I ever see happiness in my eyes and in my spirit again?

Until too ably this morning I kept telling myself that after surgery things would change I'd have this new outlook and new frame of mind although I kind of new j was full of it. I watched an inspiring YouTube video of a lovely woman a few years older than me that really nailed it - the problems you had after surgery will still be there waiting for you. You don't wake up fabulous and fun if that's who you weren't before. So you look amazing ? Likely, are you still battling the weight? Hopefully kit, but you do have this decision that travels with you. It alters your lifestyle and decision making... hopefully.

Hen the hype of being thin wears off who are you? Do you make it to goal and keep up with maintenance or do you allow your old issues to tag along with new challenges and cripple you? Do you walk away worse than you started ?

These are questions that I'd love to Proclaim a Resounding "NO". But I have to be realistic and be mindful that smaller things have crippled me over the years. The plan over the next few weeks then, needs To become proactive about my approach to handling the unexpected.

To ask myself what is it that I'm unhappy about and not so much what would make me happy but what keeps me sad? I didn't think that would be such a difficult question to answer. Especially given the last few years blaming it on weight or lack of weight loss. Now it's here and I'm scared. Not scared of the procedure itself but scared of who I am on the inside and not comfortable getting to know? Scared of failure with no one to blame but myself? Scared of not knowing how to manage the upcoming challenges? Scared to face a person that i don't really like?

This is usually where I stop and remind myself that God has not given us the spirit of fear. But do I really believe that or is it something that I say to stop myself from getting to the bottom of this lifelong question?

Everyone talks about surgery being this reset button that gives you an opportunity to change your lifestyle and rethink how you should handle your relationship with . I agree but I also think it's a reset button for other things in your life other failures other wants and desires that you found a way to not pursue. The big question is how?

So prayerfully a year from now I will be visiting My doctors with we pep in my step and a Bill of clean health. The uncertainty and lack of confidence that lived inside me will be gone and I'll exude happiness positivity and joy. But I can speak to others and share with them my experience on the road that I've traveled and not the road of decreasing In weight or BMI or dress size but the road of exploring the person that I am - getting to know her getting to meet her getting to love her.

So this journey is not just to lose weight it's not to find happiness. This journey is to explore the woman that I am the woman that I have become the woman that I want to be to others and for myself.

Food has always been a distraction one that I gave too much credit. Investing the time to learn more about self always seemed like a faraway journey ...something off into the distance that I could one day get to when I had time when in actuality not investing the time in exploring self is what keeps me in this vicious cycle of fearing the unknown.

Am I admitting that I'm ready to get to know me? I think so but I am afraid of what I may uncover on this journey and in this exploration.

Fear cannot live here anymore.

5k Part Dieux

Decided to start training for a 5k again using the Galloway method. More importantly just registered for Run Like a Diva (Half Marathon) and 5K in October in Long Island with an ultimate goal of running a half sometime in 2014.

I mentioned in a previous post that I'm struggling to get back into exercise mode. It was around this time last year that I jumped into the fitness center at work. Course I'm having the Its been a year and I'm no better syndrome. But things are different now. To some extent better and I'd like to improve my time from 48 minutes last October to hopefully no more than 35 this go around.

Think what helped me with with going to the gym last time was training for the 5k Granted I'd love to be aggressive and say ill be ready for a half in six months but I know myself well enough that I have a better chance of quitting than working overtime to meet the commitment.

From what I understand the Galloway method trains you on interval running rather than just timed running. So from day one your working on speed and distance I believe. My last attempt at training I was really training exclusively for distance..not speed.

I'm also feeling positive about being lighter by then and using training as my post surgery exercise break through. And want to strength again. Still toying with going back to the trainer at work or getting turbo jam or (the dreaded) insanity!

We will see. Hubby is going to start playing football again twice a week and I'm ready to get passionate again about my fitness lifestyle. I felt so much better when I was moving. And we agreed morning workouts seem to be the way to go given our long commute yo work. It's almost 6 am and I am working from home today so I should probably pop in a Zumba DVD and get a burn in before breakfast. But.... No buts! Think I'm going to do it. Now.

Will check back in later.

Love languages

My pastor is preaching in the 5 love languages. They represent the way we express our love to others and the way we want to be shown love. They are:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Receiving gifts
3. Quality time
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch

He was preaching on this in context of relationships - marriages to be specific and how we are predisposed to showing love through our own language and wanting to be shown the same way. However the core of most marital conflict stems from not taking the time to learn and communicate with our mates , friends, family in their preferred language. Makes sense, right ?

So for a moment I am going to step away from the relationship angle and look at self. I've identified my love language as receiving (and giving gifts) and words of affirmation... Or so I say. So I am looking back at the last few weeks to assess if that's how I've shown self love. What positive affirmations have I repeated and or what gifts have I given myself? I can recall one email I sent to my husband where I was declaring to him how I was going to own my day and not allow it to own or rule me . Gifts. If we exclude food not much that qualifies as loving myself. Food isn't a reward because I'm not a dog ... Isn't that what they say?

However I will say on the heels of my upcoming 35th ... i mean 29th birthday in August I booked an overnight spa trip with my Mom and another Mom and daughter and I'm telling myself that is one of my gifts to myself ... Course it's pricey and the justification is only for a milestone ... But that's a while away and in all fairness pricey or not big damn deal. I should be gifting to myself regularly right?

So where am I going with this? Nothing along the lines of needing a bigger gift budget... Though that would be nice , but more along the lines of setting smaller and more routine acts of love and kindness to myself. These gifts don't all have to be tangible. They can be the gift of life or life's accessories... Not shoes or ear rings but healthy lifestyle and its accessories -- weight loss, regular exercise, positive attitude etc.

Part of the reason I opted to indulge was in response to a less than stellar birthday experience last year at the hands so to speak of my husband ... This was almost an I'll show you how kind of exercise. Ill show you how to plan my birthday. Ill show you it requires research and months of advanced planning. I will show you blah blah blah. In all fairness it's CRAP and I know that it's wrong.... Especially as I'm saying I will show you I am wagging my finger at him. Not cool and soo not becoming. My motives at least.I should still go but strongly consider changing the date to another weekend that isn't my birthday. Give him the opportunity to show me what he CAN do, vs looking for an excuse to hold it over his head forever.
Another gift I struggle with giving. The gift of forgiveness to myself and others. Sad

I am giving myself a huge gift -- allegedly the gift of life. Isn't that what WLS is for someone like me ?or what it should be ? It can be but am I approaching it as such.

If someone were waiting for a donor organ I imagine there would be prep they would undergo for how to care for their new heart or kidney or whatever. Would they continue to live wrecklessly until the last moment or would they train for the upcoming surgery and the life after ?

Hmm makes me think that last paragraph deserves its own entry, but yes before I can be upset with someone else for not loving me the way I want to be loved I need to see my own example and love myself the way I want others to love me .

Speak words of affirmation daily, spend quality time alone. Give meaningful and thoughtful gifts to Summa.

What is your love language and do you practice that expression of love to or on yourself ?

Checking in ...

Hmmm not sure where I left off... Guess I could just read my last entry to see, but I'm almost positive I was in a dark or close to dark place. The last few weeks of work were crazy, awful, wretched and things began to take a positive turn.

Now I am in a new role thank God! And I'm crazy but for a different reason. A ton to di and what feels like lot enough time to do it. But the fact that I'm blogging is a good sign. I tend to become a recluse when things get pretty bad. Long and short of it -- bad role, poor decision and I felt useless. Now I have a new role...one which I questioned but am certain that I was led here by none other than divine intervention so now I'd like to make good on all that I know I'm capable of.

Could that have been any more vague ? Well what it boils down to is that I'm feeling reasonably challenged and still looking for my rhythm but for a different reason. I have much to celebrate and look forward to but often times I miss the memo and find the not so great circumstance to dwell on... Learned behavior or years of practice ? Not sure but for Sure I feel better. Lol almost good and satisfied enough to pass on dinner, clean mg room and log in To do some work before bedtime. Lol well see how accurate that is in a few.

So I'm back to that same old feeling and questioning what I'm feeding? What is eating me causing me to want everything? Why can I not hold on to joy, satisfaction and happiness for any length of time without being drawn to the negative, the mundane, the dismal? That's sad. It's unfortunate and its me.

Well I know on the surface what's eating me Is that absolutely nothing fits. I am tipping the scales at almost 246 and can barely remember when I broke 240. I am easily winded, always tired and hell pretty much always cranky. That's awful. Given That I am a wife to a pretty amazing guy .. Well he tries often enough to be at least ...and I have a good paying job at a reputable company and have a beautiful home I can't figure out why I'm so sad on the inside.

Is it because I am fat and getting fatter or is it because I worry my career is pushing washed up status or is it because I can't or haven't started a family yet ? Well here's the thing, while all of these things do ail Me...At present all are an active work in progress. So maybe the right approach to getting out of this slump should be spending time thinking about the steps taken to improve current situation rather than wallowing. Here's a better and bigger and more profound thought - spend less time being negative , sarcastic and miserable and reinvest that time into physically taking the steps towards my freedom . My success. My victory.

My victory exists. And right now the only person keeping me from claiming it is me. Move out the way. And get into my own. I don't know if its failure that I am scared of or if its the work itself. Is that laziness ? Have I become unambitious? Complacent ? I want to say NO because that sounds good but leaning towards YES because my heart screams it. Hiding behind excuses and not keeping my word have become a regular part of my life. My existence. Changing my mind at the last minute and not being accountable to myself or others for my poor choices is becoming a regularity. That makes me sad. But does it really? Sad enough to fix it or sad enough to deny it and throw myself a pity party?

I have all of the tools that I need. Allowing them to pile up, gather dust and some even become obsolete right under my very nose. Response is always the same very aggressive game plan to improve and little to no follow through. What makes a person quit before they have started. Cry and wince before sign of real pain. Is it precaution? Is it anticipation or is it that I've already made up my mind to fail ? If someone told me that I was quitter ten years ago I would vehemently disagree. If someone said it today I would bow my head in shame and silently agree.


What if Jesus was a coward like the one I've become ? Who would have died for my sins ?Am I selfless enough to suffer for someone else when I can barely shoulder my own suffering? What if God spoke John 3:16 and didn't keep his word? Where would I be? Whom would I look towards for an example ? But that's not my worry today tomorrow or yesterday. Because God sacrificed without knowing if I would so the same. Jesus suffered without concern for the fact that I may take his name in vain and that I don't deserve it ... None of the decisions The Lord made were about Him and his loss as much as they were about others and yet I struggle to stick to much of anything these days. I don't need therapy as much as I need to talk to God. Ask Him to help me peel back these layers of the onion we call life and existence. Ask him to expose my void and deficiency just long enough for me to see them and just as quickly allow me to submit the pain and sadness to Him to heal me. Or better yet just submit up front and give up this quest to fix my situation on my own. That hasn't worked yet not sure why I keep trying.

To be continued ...

Letting it Out ...

Whew! It's been an interesting couple of weeks and while much has changed much has gone back to the same.  One huge win -- managed to get hubby to stick it out with low carb and is loving it---
The loss- after week three I managed to have fallen off the wagon and have been struggling with getting off the runaway train.

Nothing fits and I mean nothing. My fat pants are even snug. Stepped on the scale yesterday and was shocked... and somehow that didnt stop me from having potatoes at every meal yesterday at some one meal three different servings of different potatoes (in one meal) Shameful I know.

About 4 weeks ago watched a documentary on Netflix --"Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" about a 30 day juice cleanse and it was extremely inspiring. I was motivated to perform the challenge and within twenty four hours I was able to talk myself out of it - not just for the cost of the promoted Brevia juicer, but whether or not I could do it more importantly if it could actually help me -- would I lose - NOT A DOUBT, but could I live on fruit and veggie juice alone for 30 days - Im sure it wouldn't kill me, but could I push to get through it? Since it seems my diet ADD kicks in on or about week three. Even if I did manage to stick it out for 30 days, would I be able to continue and or segue safely back into a reasonable diet.

Ive been keeping up with my Clean Eating blogs - despite following far from a clean diet and I LOVE the idea of CE, but have not been able to make the commit to stick to it and I remember well feeling more satiated.  Now Im watching "Hungry for Change" and this is another awesome documentary educating on the nasties in our current day diet - how much sugar is really the hidden demon (I'm over exaggerating) in all of our current day food as we have moved away from the farm and towards the factory for convenience foods.

The take away from this documentary " We are grossly overfed and miserably undernourished" Our bodies are starving for nutrition. The film is towards the end and is recommending a cleanse / detox using a plant based diet specficially green vegetables containing chlorophyll like parsley, cilantro and gelataneous foods like chia seeds and aloe vera. Im chuckling as I think Cilantro is associated with latin food like pico di gallo, salsa and Parsley is... A GARNISH! Although I did have a homeopathic doctor recommend I drimk parsley tea for what I thought was random swelling (turns out it was my RA). Basically the speakers are explaining how our bodies are begging for repair and if we would only just reward it with a sustainable diet it would give us our best life yet.... Still toying with it and trying to figure how when to start and how to get past the 'taste' and my heavy sugar addiction.

It sounds like within 2 weeks I could be 'healed'. But can I live like that forever? How can I do it with my long commute and long hours at work --

GROSS ALERT -- So in response to my gazillion calories in carbs and fat yesterday, today I have some wicked gas.. and I mean WICKED! In addition I think my body is poorly responding to my diet physically (other than bursting at the seams) but excessive itching of my skin.. almost like an allergic reaction.. and yet I continue with the craziness...

Feeling empowered enough right now to empty my pantry and donate all of my junk / fast / diet foods.... Might be good since I am going away for the weekend and can come home to a 'clean pantry' and kitchen. I have to do something because right now I feel AWFUL and quite franly if what is coming out of me is any indication as to how rotten my insides are --- then I need A GOOD CLEANING PRONTO...

Another point that speakers made was on diet cola - the addiction of aspartame and the deadly combination of aspartame and caffeine that keeps us coming back for me. It seems that the sugar addiction (which I knew after reading Tosca Reno's Clean Eating, Harvey Diamond's Fit for Life and even the late Dr. Atkin's) is not just about regular white refined sugar, but also with 'fake sugar' which for sure I KNOW I am addicted to.

Ok...I needed to document this so I will be reminded that this detox really isnt an option as much as a requirement... I'll check back in to update as to whether or not Ive done it or not and how Im feeling after my eat fest weekend in Rochester... Part of me wants to cancel - and do a 3 day cleanse starting this evening after my upper GI procedure....but I need to learn to keep my word and honor my commitment. it is often recommended to cleanse when you will be home or close to home so not sure when I can do this again.. and i have a few upcoming eat dates ... actually now I need to post on that -- how to address that w/o looking like a flake... or another crazy FAD diet...

back on that need to continue my productivity spree- dishes / kitchen cleaning to get some things off my TDL (to do list).

Will check back in shortly...

New Year...

It's been a while since Ive posted -- Part shame, part busy, part tired of crying and whining about the same crap.

So, what's happened. Quit Jenny circa Thanksgiving. Back to JC starting weight. Fell off the fitness/gym bandwagon circa Thanksgiving and struggling to get back. Been eating like a free for all since you guessed it - Circa Thanksgiving. Went to a seminar regarding weightloss surgery. Turns out my health insurance covers it AND my BMI makes me semi - eligible. Have to undergo 6 months of supervised 'diet' and gather some other documents for official approval. Friend had it and has lost almost 40 pounds in the first 4 weeks - exciting. Diet is very restricted to start but the fact is your belly cant hold much.

So, where is my head in all of this. Anxious, nervous, excited about the prospect of surgery but realzing that over the next six months I cannot afford to gain anymore. I am at my BIGGEST! I've set this before but at one point I was 2 pounds away from 240-- WTF-- scary stuff. Right now I have 3 pairs of work pants that fit, so working from home once a week and pushing the same pair of jeans every Friday works until I can fit back into my other 'fat' clothes.

This past Tuesday decided to jump back into Atkins bc I need to lose at least 5-7 pounds so I can fit back into a few more items. Goal is to stay on atkins through the 6 months supervisory stage. If by some fate I am not approved hopefully I would have put a dent in my WL efforts independently so I can go on . If I am approved - even better I can continue losing.

Exercise is taking a while to warm back up to -- running certainly isnt appealing anymore and the fitness center just feels like blech. Need to shake that and get back into my zone...Needing/wanting to do it not just to avoid traffic but to feel accomplished. Think the chattiness has also thrown me off as well--need to zone.. not talk. Training is good but right now again feel like I need to slowly transition back into that. Cutting back on soda again or trying. Went a solid 8 months --well not quiet Thanksgiving day I broke my soda fast and went hardbody. Prayerful that I get this surgery so Thanksgiving cant take me down like it did this year, but again I can blame the gun if Im the one who pointed at myself and pulled the trigger.

Trying something new this go around - going slow. Incorporating changes as I go along versus full throttle overnight. Didnt quite do that with my cold turkey Atkins plunge but CARBS are evil and I need to avoid them. The trainer strogly discourages Atkins, BUT.. course I know better so Imma do better, right? Clean is ideal, but I need some quick results, even though I said I was trying to go slow and for the long haul - contradiction all the way, right?

Random musings. Where do I want to be by next Tuesday? -- Ideally? 5 pounds lighter! Let's be honest IDEALLY 10# LIGHTER.. Will settle with 3-5, though. Just enough that I cna find back into things w/o this terrible chorizo feeling!

Work- dunno where to start so I'll leave that topic for now. But instead, I WILL begin focusing on getting my body back as my mind has no choice but to follow, right? ZUMBA Oh, how I miss you... Maybe will try that this weekend. It can't hurt and will be a good way to start off the week. Could also try my 30 days to fitness challenge again. I rocked that bad boy last time.

Ok. nothing profound came out of this but my thoughts in the current moment.

But I leave myself with this -- how BADLY do I really want this and what am I willing to sacrifice? Not just weight loss, but career? Family? Spirituality? I found that as of late I have NOT been working hard towards much of anything, but just GRIPING about everything. No good. Makings of a miserable brat. Some sweat (on a regular basis) even more than what you think you can tolerate needs to happen in order to meet goals!