New Year...

It's been a while since Ive posted -- Part shame, part busy, part tired of crying and whining about the same crap.

So, what's happened. Quit Jenny circa Thanksgiving. Back to JC starting weight. Fell off the fitness/gym bandwagon circa Thanksgiving and struggling to get back. Been eating like a free for all since you guessed it - Circa Thanksgiving. Went to a seminar regarding weightloss surgery. Turns out my health insurance covers it AND my BMI makes me semi - eligible. Have to undergo 6 months of supervised 'diet' and gather some other documents for official approval. Friend had it and has lost almost 40 pounds in the first 4 weeks - exciting. Diet is very restricted to start but the fact is your belly cant hold much.

So, where is my head in all of this. Anxious, nervous, excited about the prospect of surgery but realzing that over the next six months I cannot afford to gain anymore. I am at my BIGGEST! I've set this before but at one point I was 2 pounds away from 240-- WTF-- scary stuff. Right now I have 3 pairs of work pants that fit, so working from home once a week and pushing the same pair of jeans every Friday works until I can fit back into my other 'fat' clothes.

This past Tuesday decided to jump back into Atkins bc I need to lose at least 5-7 pounds so I can fit back into a few more items. Goal is to stay on atkins through the 6 months supervisory stage. If by some fate I am not approved hopefully I would have put a dent in my WL efforts independently so I can go on . If I am approved - even better I can continue losing.

Exercise is taking a while to warm back up to -- running certainly isnt appealing anymore and the fitness center just feels like blech. Need to shake that and get back into my zone...Needing/wanting to do it not just to avoid traffic but to feel accomplished. Think the chattiness has also thrown me off as well--need to zone.. not talk. Training is good but right now again feel like I need to slowly transition back into that. Cutting back on soda again or trying. Went a solid 8 months --well not quiet Thanksgiving day I broke my soda fast and went hardbody. Prayerful that I get this surgery so Thanksgiving cant take me down like it did this year, but again I can blame the gun if Im the one who pointed at myself and pulled the trigger.

Trying something new this go around - going slow. Incorporating changes as I go along versus full throttle overnight. Didnt quite do that with my cold turkey Atkins plunge but CARBS are evil and I need to avoid them. The trainer strogly discourages Atkins, BUT.. course I know better so Imma do better, right? Clean is ideal, but I need some quick results, even though I said I was trying to go slow and for the long haul - contradiction all the way, right?

Random musings. Where do I want to be by next Tuesday? -- Ideally? 5 pounds lighter! Let's be honest IDEALLY 10# LIGHTER.. Will settle with 3-5, though. Just enough that I cna find back into things w/o this terrible chorizo feeling!

Work- dunno where to start so I'll leave that topic for now. But instead, I WILL begin focusing on getting my body back as my mind has no choice but to follow, right? ZUMBA Oh, how I miss you... Maybe will try that this weekend. It can't hurt and will be a good way to start off the week. Could also try my 30 days to fitness challenge again. I rocked that bad boy last time.

Ok. nothing profound came out of this but my thoughts in the current moment.

But I leave myself with this -- how BADLY do I really want this and what am I willing to sacrifice? Not just weight loss, but career? Family? Spirituality? I found that as of late I have NOT been working hard towards much of anything, but just GRIPING about everything. No good. Makings of a miserable brat. Some sweat (on a regular basis) even more than what you think you can tolerate needs to happen in order to meet goals!