Joined a new department at work roughly six weeks ago. Manager has a lapband and speaks freely of it. Looking at him you may or may not know but he's an open book with that stuff. While I'm not looking to share my journey just yet.
Now I'm visibly the largest in the department of the women and likely the guys as well. But both sexes make awful jokes or comments about being or getting fat ... Like the one girl who likely wears a size 4 or even a 6 said. I can't keep eating like this. I'm going to get a stroke and die or whatever it is fat people get when their hearts can't take it anymore. And I almost corrected her to say its a heart attack and ur skinny azz could get one just like a fat person. It's aggravating and insensitive. ... Like the worst possible thing that could happen to a human being us that they wind up fat !
Am I taking it personal? Yes ! Should I ? Y not?
Turning the other cheek I make fat jokes often or fat comments often but they are usually towards myself, not for that audience but folks closer to me. It's not right and its self loathing. Part of what I was supposed to be working on while in therapy and in life in general. It's mean and hurtful even if its towards myself and others. That begs the question what gives me the right to be so angry with the folks at work when in guilty of a similar offense ?
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Happiness. Am I close or farther than I've ever been?
There's a cd in the car from who knows where that has gospel music on it ... Track number two couldn't tell you the name of it , but since the first time bearing it (roughly a year ago) I've loved it and its brought me to tears on occasion ... So the gist is the singer is telling their loved one how they want to see then happy. They miss seeing them smile and dance. Eventually he goes on to talk about the devil trying to steal your joy but the chorus and majority of the song is " oh I want to see you happy. I want to see you smile.i want to see you dance. You should be happy."
The first time I heard it it caught my attention, so I put it on repeat. By the third time hearing it I was a wreck. Crying and driving. Dangerous. I know. I couldn't put my finger on it because I thought I was "happy". I had just landed a new job and was excited about turning a new lead but there was angst oh boy was there angst. It got me to thinking about why I want happy and when I couldn't pinpoint that, was forced to ask myself when I was last happy. I think the resounding answer was my wedding day almost three years ago. Sunday September 19,2010. I didn't wake up happy but I snapped myself into the reality that I had the rest of my life to be upset and this day - I would put in my best and embrace the moment. And I did. Looking at the pictures from the wedding and layer the honeymoon. I was happy you could see a calm over me that was distinct .... Granted I was worried bc my Kim bad just suffered a stroke a mere three weeks before the wedding, discharged two days prior and I worried about her care and lifestyle - how would she cope? How would I cope on the heals of moving over an hour away into a new home? I was concerned. But for some reason it didn't show. I'm grateful for that - wedding photographers and videographers are not cheap so pics aren't ruined, but since I think I've kept kg word and have used every day since to be upset or angry or worried. Unintentionally of course but happening albeit.
With that unhappiness and despair came more of course. Those things travel together. But now here I am less than twenty four hours away from a life changing surgery and I see a face full of sadness and worry and nervousness. Joy just related to the surgery but really asking will I change? Will I ever see happiness in my eyes and in my spirit again?
Until too ably this morning I kept telling myself that after surgery things would change I'd have this new outlook and new frame of mind although I kind of new j was full of it. I watched an inspiring YouTube video of a lovely woman a few years older than me that really nailed it - the problems you had after surgery will still be there waiting for you. You don't wake up fabulous and fun if that's who you weren't before. So you look amazing ? Likely, are you still battling the weight? Hopefully kit, but you do have this decision that travels with you. It alters your lifestyle and decision making... hopefully.
Hen the hype of being thin wears off who are you? Do you make it to goal and keep up with maintenance or do you allow your old issues to tag along with new challenges and cripple you? Do you walk away worse than you started ?
These are questions that I'd love to Proclaim a Resounding "NO". But I have to be realistic and be mindful that smaller things have crippled me over the years. The plan over the next few weeks then, needs To become proactive about my approach to handling the unexpected.
To ask myself what is it that I'm unhappy about and not so much what would make me happy but what keeps me sad? I didn't think that would be such a difficult question to answer. Especially given the last few years blaming it on weight or lack of weight loss. Now it's here and I'm scared. Not scared of the procedure itself but scared of who I am on the inside and not comfortable getting to know? Scared of failure with no one to blame but myself? Scared of not knowing how to manage the upcoming challenges? Scared to face a person that i don't really like?
This is usually where I stop and remind myself that God has not given us the spirit of fear. But do I really believe that or is it something that I say to stop myself from getting to the bottom of this lifelong question?
Everyone talks about surgery being this reset button that gives you an opportunity to change your lifestyle and rethink how you should handle your relationship with . I agree but I also think it's a reset button for other things in your life other failures other wants and desires that you found a way to not pursue. The big question is how?
So prayerfully a year from now I will be visiting My doctors with we pep in my step and a Bill of clean health. The uncertainty and lack of confidence that lived inside me will be gone and I'll exude happiness positivity and joy. But I can speak to others and share with them my experience on the road that I've traveled and not the road of decreasing In weight or BMI or dress size but the road of exploring the person that I am - getting to know her getting to meet her getting to love her.
So this journey is not just to lose weight it's not to find happiness. This journey is to explore the woman that I am the woman that I have become the woman that I want to be to others and for myself.
Food has always been a distraction one that I gave too much credit. Investing the time to learn more about self always seemed like a faraway journey ...something off into the distance that I could one day get to when I had time when in actuality not investing the time in exploring self is what keeps me in this vicious cycle of fearing the unknown.
Am I admitting that I'm ready to get to know me? I think so but I am afraid of what I may uncover on this journey and in this exploration.
Fear cannot live here anymore.
The first time I heard it it caught my attention, so I put it on repeat. By the third time hearing it I was a wreck. Crying and driving. Dangerous. I know. I couldn't put my finger on it because I thought I was "happy". I had just landed a new job and was excited about turning a new lead but there was angst oh boy was there angst. It got me to thinking about why I want happy and when I couldn't pinpoint that, was forced to ask myself when I was last happy. I think the resounding answer was my wedding day almost three years ago. Sunday September 19,2010. I didn't wake up happy but I snapped myself into the reality that I had the rest of my life to be upset and this day - I would put in my best and embrace the moment. And I did. Looking at the pictures from the wedding and layer the honeymoon. I was happy you could see a calm over me that was distinct .... Granted I was worried bc my Kim bad just suffered a stroke a mere three weeks before the wedding, discharged two days prior and I worried about her care and lifestyle - how would she cope? How would I cope on the heals of moving over an hour away into a new home? I was concerned. But for some reason it didn't show. I'm grateful for that - wedding photographers and videographers are not cheap so pics aren't ruined, but since I think I've kept kg word and have used every day since to be upset or angry or worried. Unintentionally of course but happening albeit.
With that unhappiness and despair came more of course. Those things travel together. But now here I am less than twenty four hours away from a life changing surgery and I see a face full of sadness and worry and nervousness. Joy just related to the surgery but really asking will I change? Will I ever see happiness in my eyes and in my spirit again?
Until too ably this morning I kept telling myself that after surgery things would change I'd have this new outlook and new frame of mind although I kind of new j was full of it. I watched an inspiring YouTube video of a lovely woman a few years older than me that really nailed it - the problems you had after surgery will still be there waiting for you. You don't wake up fabulous and fun if that's who you weren't before. So you look amazing ? Likely, are you still battling the weight? Hopefully kit, but you do have this decision that travels with you. It alters your lifestyle and decision making... hopefully.
Hen the hype of being thin wears off who are you? Do you make it to goal and keep up with maintenance or do you allow your old issues to tag along with new challenges and cripple you? Do you walk away worse than you started ?
These are questions that I'd love to Proclaim a Resounding "NO". But I have to be realistic and be mindful that smaller things have crippled me over the years. The plan over the next few weeks then, needs To become proactive about my approach to handling the unexpected.
To ask myself what is it that I'm unhappy about and not so much what would make me happy but what keeps me sad? I didn't think that would be such a difficult question to answer. Especially given the last few years blaming it on weight or lack of weight loss. Now it's here and I'm scared. Not scared of the procedure itself but scared of who I am on the inside and not comfortable getting to know? Scared of failure with no one to blame but myself? Scared of not knowing how to manage the upcoming challenges? Scared to face a person that i don't really like?
This is usually where I stop and remind myself that God has not given us the spirit of fear. But do I really believe that or is it something that I say to stop myself from getting to the bottom of this lifelong question?
Everyone talks about surgery being this reset button that gives you an opportunity to change your lifestyle and rethink how you should handle your relationship with . I agree but I also think it's a reset button for other things in your life other failures other wants and desires that you found a way to not pursue. The big question is how?
So prayerfully a year from now I will be visiting My doctors with we pep in my step and a Bill of clean health. The uncertainty and lack of confidence that lived inside me will be gone and I'll exude happiness positivity and joy. But I can speak to others and share with them my experience on the road that I've traveled and not the road of decreasing In weight or BMI or dress size but the road of exploring the person that I am - getting to know her getting to meet her getting to love her.
So this journey is not just to lose weight it's not to find happiness. This journey is to explore the woman that I am the woman that I have become the woman that I want to be to others and for myself.
Food has always been a distraction one that I gave too much credit. Investing the time to learn more about self always seemed like a faraway journey ...something off into the distance that I could one day get to when I had time when in actuality not investing the time in exploring self is what keeps me in this vicious cycle of fearing the unknown.
Am I admitting that I'm ready to get to know me? I think so but I am afraid of what I may uncover on this journey and in this exploration.
Fear cannot live here anymore.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
5k Part Dieux
Decided to start training for a 5k again using the Galloway method. More importantly just registered for Run Like a Diva (Half Marathon) and 5K in October in Long Island with an ultimate goal of running a half sometime in 2014.
I mentioned in a previous post that I'm struggling to get back into exercise mode. It was around this time last year that I jumped into the fitness center at work. Course I'm having the Its been a year and I'm no better syndrome. But things are different now. To some extent better and I'd like to improve my time from 48 minutes last October to hopefully no more than 35 this go around.
Think what helped me with with going to the gym last time was training for the 5k Granted I'd love to be aggressive and say ill be ready for a half in six months but I know myself well enough that I have a better chance of quitting than working overtime to meet the commitment.
From what I understand the Galloway method trains you on interval running rather than just timed running. So from day one your working on speed and distance I believe. My last attempt at training I was really training exclusively for distance..not speed.
I'm also feeling positive about being lighter by then and using training as my post surgery exercise break through. And want to strength again. Still toying with going back to the trainer at work or getting turbo jam or (the dreaded) insanity!
We will see. Hubby is going to start playing football again twice a week and I'm ready to get passionate again about my fitness lifestyle. I felt so much better when I was moving. And we agreed morning workouts seem to be the way to go given our long commute yo work. It's almost 6 am and I am working from home today so I should probably pop in a Zumba DVD and get a burn in before breakfast. But.... No buts! Think I'm going to do it. Now.
Will check back in later.
I mentioned in a previous post that I'm struggling to get back into exercise mode. It was around this time last year that I jumped into the fitness center at work. Course I'm having the Its been a year and I'm no better syndrome. But things are different now. To some extent better and I'd like to improve my time from 48 minutes last October to hopefully no more than 35 this go around.
Think what helped me with with going to the gym last time was training for the 5k Granted I'd love to be aggressive and say ill be ready for a half in six months but I know myself well enough that I have a better chance of quitting than working overtime to meet the commitment.
From what I understand the Galloway method trains you on interval running rather than just timed running. So from day one your working on speed and distance I believe. My last attempt at training I was really training exclusively for distance..not speed.
I'm also feeling positive about being lighter by then and using training as my post surgery exercise break through. And want to strength again. Still toying with going back to the trainer at work or getting turbo jam or (the dreaded) insanity!
We will see. Hubby is going to start playing football again twice a week and I'm ready to get passionate again about my fitness lifestyle. I felt so much better when I was moving. And we agreed morning workouts seem to be the way to go given our long commute yo work. It's almost 6 am and I am working from home today so I should probably pop in a Zumba DVD and get a burn in before breakfast. But.... No buts! Think I'm going to do it. Now.
Will check back in later.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Love languages
My pastor is preaching in the 5 love languages. They represent the way we express our love to others and the way we want to be shown love. They are:
1. Words of affirmation
2. Receiving gifts
3. Quality time
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch
He was preaching on this in context of relationships - marriages to be specific and how we are predisposed to showing love through our own language and wanting to be shown the same way. However the core of most marital conflict stems from not taking the time to learn and communicate with our mates , friends, family in their preferred language. Makes sense, right ?
So for a moment I am going to step away from the relationship angle and look at self. I've identified my love language as receiving (and giving gifts) and words of affirmation... Or so I say. So I am looking back at the last few weeks to assess if that's how I've shown self love. What positive affirmations have I repeated and or what gifts have I given myself? I can recall one email I sent to my husband where I was declaring to him how I was going to own my day and not allow it to own or rule me . Gifts. If we exclude food not much that qualifies as loving myself. Food isn't a reward because I'm not a dog ... Isn't that what they say?
However I will say on the heels of my upcoming 35th ... i mean 29th birthday in August I booked an overnight spa trip with my Mom and another Mom and daughter and I'm telling myself that is one of my gifts to myself ... Course it's pricey and the justification is only for a milestone ... But that's a while away and in all fairness pricey or not big damn deal. I should be gifting to myself regularly right?
So where am I going with this? Nothing along the lines of needing a bigger gift budget... Though that would be nice , but more along the lines of setting smaller and more routine acts of love and kindness to myself. These gifts don't all have to be tangible. They can be the gift of life or life's accessories... Not shoes or ear rings but healthy lifestyle and its accessories -- weight loss, regular exercise, positive attitude etc.
Part of the reason I opted to indulge was in response to a less than stellar birthday experience last year at the hands so to speak of my husband ... This was almost an I'll show you how kind of exercise. Ill show you how to plan my birthday. Ill show you it requires research and months of advanced planning. I will show you blah blah blah. In all fairness it's CRAP and I know that it's wrong.... Especially as I'm saying I will show you I am wagging my finger at him. Not cool and soo not becoming. My motives at least.I should still go but strongly consider changing the date to another weekend that isn't my birthday. Give him the opportunity to show me what he CAN do, vs looking for an excuse to hold it over his head forever.
Another gift I struggle with giving. The gift of forgiveness to myself and others. Sad
I am giving myself a huge gift -- allegedly the gift of life. Isn't that what WLS is for someone like me ?or what it should be ? It can be but am I approaching it as such.
If someone were waiting for a donor organ I imagine there would be prep they would undergo for how to care for their new heart or kidney or whatever. Would they continue to live wrecklessly until the last moment or would they train for the upcoming surgery and the life after ?
Hmm makes me think that last paragraph deserves its own entry, but yes before I can be upset with someone else for not loving me the way I want to be loved I need to see my own example and love myself the way I want others to love me .
Speak words of affirmation daily, spend quality time alone. Give meaningful and thoughtful gifts to Summa.
What is your love language and do you practice that expression of love to or on yourself ?
1. Words of affirmation
2. Receiving gifts
3. Quality time
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch
He was preaching on this in context of relationships - marriages to be specific and how we are predisposed to showing love through our own language and wanting to be shown the same way. However the core of most marital conflict stems from not taking the time to learn and communicate with our mates , friends, family in their preferred language. Makes sense, right ?
So for a moment I am going to step away from the relationship angle and look at self. I've identified my love language as receiving (and giving gifts) and words of affirmation... Or so I say. So I am looking back at the last few weeks to assess if that's how I've shown self love. What positive affirmations have I repeated and or what gifts have I given myself? I can recall one email I sent to my husband where I was declaring to him how I was going to own my day and not allow it to own or rule me . Gifts. If we exclude food not much that qualifies as loving myself. Food isn't a reward because I'm not a dog ... Isn't that what they say?
However I will say on the heels of my upcoming 35th ... i mean 29th birthday in August I booked an overnight spa trip with my Mom and another Mom and daughter and I'm telling myself that is one of my gifts to myself ... Course it's pricey and the justification is only for a milestone ... But that's a while away and in all fairness pricey or not big damn deal. I should be gifting to myself regularly right?
So where am I going with this? Nothing along the lines of needing a bigger gift budget... Though that would be nice , but more along the lines of setting smaller and more routine acts of love and kindness to myself. These gifts don't all have to be tangible. They can be the gift of life or life's accessories... Not shoes or ear rings but healthy lifestyle and its accessories -- weight loss, regular exercise, positive attitude etc.
Part of the reason I opted to indulge was in response to a less than stellar birthday experience last year at the hands so to speak of my husband ... This was almost an I'll show you how kind of exercise. Ill show you how to plan my birthday. Ill show you it requires research and months of advanced planning. I will show you blah blah blah. In all fairness it's CRAP and I know that it's wrong.... Especially as I'm saying I will show you I am wagging my finger at him. Not cool and soo not becoming. My motives at least.I should still go but strongly consider changing the date to another weekend that isn't my birthday. Give him the opportunity to show me what he CAN do, vs looking for an excuse to hold it over his head forever.
Another gift I struggle with giving. The gift of forgiveness to myself and others. Sad
I am giving myself a huge gift -- allegedly the gift of life. Isn't that what WLS is for someone like me ?or what it should be ? It can be but am I approaching it as such.
If someone were waiting for a donor organ I imagine there would be prep they would undergo for how to care for their new heart or kidney or whatever. Would they continue to live wrecklessly until the last moment or would they train for the upcoming surgery and the life after ?
Hmm makes me think that last paragraph deserves its own entry, but yes before I can be upset with someone else for not loving me the way I want to be loved I need to see my own example and love myself the way I want others to love me .
Speak words of affirmation daily, spend quality time alone. Give meaningful and thoughtful gifts to Summa.
What is your love language and do you practice that expression of love to or on yourself ?
Monday, April 8, 2013
Checking in ...
Hmmm not sure where I left off... Guess I could just read my last entry to see, but I'm almost positive I was in a dark or close to dark place. The last few weeks of work were crazy, awful, wretched and things began to take a positive turn.
Now I am in a new role thank God! And I'm crazy but for a different reason. A ton to di and what feels like lot enough time to do it. But the fact that I'm blogging is a good sign. I tend to become a recluse when things get pretty bad. Long and short of it -- bad role, poor decision and I felt useless. Now I have a new role...one which I questioned but am certain that I was led here by none other than divine intervention so now I'd like to make good on all that I know I'm capable of.
Could that have been any more vague ? Well what it boils down to is that I'm feeling reasonably challenged and still looking for my rhythm but for a different reason. I have much to celebrate and look forward to but often times I miss the memo and find the not so great circumstance to dwell on... Learned behavior or years of practice ? Not sure but for Sure I feel better. Lol almost good and satisfied enough to pass on dinner, clean mg room and log in To do some work before bedtime. Lol well see how accurate that is in a few.
So I'm back to that same old feeling and questioning what I'm feeding? What is eating me causing me to want everything? Why can I not hold on to joy, satisfaction and happiness for any length of time without being drawn to the negative, the mundane, the dismal? That's sad. It's unfortunate and its me.
Well I know on the surface what's eating me Is that absolutely nothing fits. I am tipping the scales at almost 246 and can barely remember when I broke 240. I am easily winded, always tired and hell pretty much always cranky. That's awful. Given That I am a wife to a pretty amazing guy .. Well he tries often enough to be at least ...and I have a good paying job at a reputable company and have a beautiful home I can't figure out why I'm so sad on the inside.
Is it because I am fat and getting fatter or is it because I worry my career is pushing washed up status or is it because I can't or haven't started a family yet ? Well here's the thing, while all of these things do ail Me...At present all are an active work in progress. So maybe the right approach to getting out of this slump should be spending time thinking about the steps taken to improve current situation rather than wallowing. Here's a better and bigger and more profound thought - spend less time being negative , sarcastic and miserable and reinvest that time into physically taking the steps towards my freedom . My success. My victory.
My victory exists. And right now the only person keeping me from claiming it is me. Move out the way. And get into my own. I don't know if its failure that I am scared of or if its the work itself. Is that laziness ? Have I become unambitious? Complacent ? I want to say NO because that sounds good but leaning towards YES because my heart screams it. Hiding behind excuses and not keeping my word have become a regular part of my life. My existence. Changing my mind at the last minute and not being accountable to myself or others for my poor choices is becoming a regularity. That makes me sad. But does it really? Sad enough to fix it or sad enough to deny it and throw myself a pity party?
I have all of the tools that I need. Allowing them to pile up, gather dust and some even become obsolete right under my very nose. Response is always the same very aggressive game plan to improve and little to no follow through. What makes a person quit before they have started. Cry and wince before sign of real pain. Is it precaution? Is it anticipation or is it that I've already made up my mind to fail ? If someone told me that I was quitter ten years ago I would vehemently disagree. If someone said it today I would bow my head in shame and silently agree.
What if Jesus was a coward like the one I've become ? Who would have died for my sins ?Am I selfless enough to suffer for someone else when I can barely shoulder my own suffering? What if God spoke John 3:16 and didn't keep his word? Where would I be? Whom would I look towards for an example ? But that's not my worry today tomorrow or yesterday. Because God sacrificed without knowing if I would so the same. Jesus suffered without concern for the fact that I may take his name in vain and that I don't deserve it ... None of the decisions The Lord made were about Him and his loss as much as they were about others and yet I struggle to stick to much of anything these days. I don't need therapy as much as I need to talk to God. Ask Him to help me peel back these layers of the onion we call life and existence. Ask him to expose my void and deficiency just long enough for me to see them and just as quickly allow me to submit the pain and sadness to Him to heal me. Or better yet just submit up front and give up this quest to fix my situation on my own. That hasn't worked yet not sure why I keep trying.
To be continued ...
Now I am in a new role thank God! And I'm crazy but for a different reason. A ton to di and what feels like lot enough time to do it. But the fact that I'm blogging is a good sign. I tend to become a recluse when things get pretty bad. Long and short of it -- bad role, poor decision and I felt useless. Now I have a new role...one which I questioned but am certain that I was led here by none other than divine intervention so now I'd like to make good on all that I know I'm capable of.
Could that have been any more vague ? Well what it boils down to is that I'm feeling reasonably challenged and still looking for my rhythm but for a different reason. I have much to celebrate and look forward to but often times I miss the memo and find the not so great circumstance to dwell on... Learned behavior or years of practice ? Not sure but for Sure I feel better. Lol almost good and satisfied enough to pass on dinner, clean mg room and log in To do some work before bedtime. Lol well see how accurate that is in a few.
So I'm back to that same old feeling and questioning what I'm feeding? What is eating me causing me to want everything? Why can I not hold on to joy, satisfaction and happiness for any length of time without being drawn to the negative, the mundane, the dismal? That's sad. It's unfortunate and its me.
Well I know on the surface what's eating me Is that absolutely nothing fits. I am tipping the scales at almost 246 and can barely remember when I broke 240. I am easily winded, always tired and hell pretty much always cranky. That's awful. Given That I am a wife to a pretty amazing guy .. Well he tries often enough to be at least ...and I have a good paying job at a reputable company and have a beautiful home I can't figure out why I'm so sad on the inside.
Is it because I am fat and getting fatter or is it because I worry my career is pushing washed up status or is it because I can't or haven't started a family yet ? Well here's the thing, while all of these things do ail Me...At present all are an active work in progress. So maybe the right approach to getting out of this slump should be spending time thinking about the steps taken to improve current situation rather than wallowing. Here's a better and bigger and more profound thought - spend less time being negative , sarcastic and miserable and reinvest that time into physically taking the steps towards my freedom . My success. My victory.
My victory exists. And right now the only person keeping me from claiming it is me. Move out the way. And get into my own. I don't know if its failure that I am scared of or if its the work itself. Is that laziness ? Have I become unambitious? Complacent ? I want to say NO because that sounds good but leaning towards YES because my heart screams it. Hiding behind excuses and not keeping my word have become a regular part of my life. My existence. Changing my mind at the last minute and not being accountable to myself or others for my poor choices is becoming a regularity. That makes me sad. But does it really? Sad enough to fix it or sad enough to deny it and throw myself a pity party?
I have all of the tools that I need. Allowing them to pile up, gather dust and some even become obsolete right under my very nose. Response is always the same very aggressive game plan to improve and little to no follow through. What makes a person quit before they have started. Cry and wince before sign of real pain. Is it precaution? Is it anticipation or is it that I've already made up my mind to fail ? If someone told me that I was quitter ten years ago I would vehemently disagree. If someone said it today I would bow my head in shame and silently agree.
What if Jesus was a coward like the one I've become ? Who would have died for my sins ?Am I selfless enough to suffer for someone else when I can barely shoulder my own suffering? What if God spoke John 3:16 and didn't keep his word? Where would I be? Whom would I look towards for an example ? But that's not my worry today tomorrow or yesterday. Because God sacrificed without knowing if I would so the same. Jesus suffered without concern for the fact that I may take his name in vain and that I don't deserve it ... None of the decisions The Lord made were about Him and his loss as much as they were about others and yet I struggle to stick to much of anything these days. I don't need therapy as much as I need to talk to God. Ask Him to help me peel back these layers of the onion we call life and existence. Ask him to expose my void and deficiency just long enough for me to see them and just as quickly allow me to submit the pain and sadness to Him to heal me. Or better yet just submit up front and give up this quest to fix my situation on my own. That hasn't worked yet not sure why I keep trying.
To be continued ...
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