Hmmm not sure where I left off... Guess I could just read my last entry to see, but I'm almost positive I was in a dark or close to dark place. The last few weeks of work were crazy, awful, wretched and things began to take a positive turn.
Now I am in a new role thank God! And I'm crazy but for a different reason. A ton to di and what feels like lot enough time to do it. But the fact that I'm blogging is a good sign. I tend to become a recluse when things get pretty bad. Long and short of it -- bad role, poor decision and I felt useless. Now I have a new role...one which I questioned but am certain that I was led here by none other than divine intervention so now I'd like to make good on all that I know I'm capable of.
Could that have been any more vague ? Well what it boils down to is that I'm feeling reasonably challenged and still looking for my rhythm but for a different reason. I have much to celebrate and look forward to but often times I miss the memo and find the not so great circumstance to dwell on... Learned behavior or years of practice ? Not sure but for Sure I feel better. Lol almost good and satisfied enough to pass on dinner, clean mg room and log in To do some work before bedtime. Lol well see how accurate that is in a few.
So I'm back to that same old feeling and questioning what I'm feeding? What is eating me causing me to want everything? Why can I not hold on to joy, satisfaction and happiness for any length of time without being drawn to the negative, the mundane, the dismal? That's sad. It's unfortunate and its me.
Well I know on the surface what's eating me Is that absolutely nothing fits. I am tipping the scales at almost 246 and can barely remember when I broke 240. I am easily winded, always tired and hell pretty much always cranky. That's awful. Given That I am a wife to a pretty amazing guy .. Well he tries often enough to be at least ...and I have a good paying job at a reputable company and have a beautiful home I can't figure out why I'm so sad on the inside.
Is it because I am fat and getting fatter or is it because I worry my career is pushing washed up status or is it because I can't or haven't started a family yet ? Well here's the thing, while all of these things do ail Me...At present all are an active work in progress. So maybe the right approach to getting out of this slump should be spending time thinking about the steps taken to improve current situation rather than wallowing. Here's a better and bigger and more profound thought - spend less time being negative , sarcastic and miserable and reinvest that time into physically taking the steps towards my freedom . My success. My victory.
My victory exists. And right now the only person keeping me from claiming it is me. Move out the way. And get into my own. I don't know if its failure that I am scared of or if its the work itself. Is that laziness ? Have I become unambitious? Complacent ? I want to say NO because that sounds good but leaning towards YES because my heart screams it. Hiding behind excuses and not keeping my word have become a regular part of my life. My existence. Changing my mind at the last minute and not being accountable to myself or others for my poor choices is becoming a regularity. That makes me sad. But does it really? Sad enough to fix it or sad enough to deny it and throw myself a pity party?
I have all of the tools that I need. Allowing them to pile up, gather dust and some even become obsolete right under my very nose. Response is always the same very aggressive game plan to improve and little to no follow through. What makes a person quit before they have started. Cry and wince before sign of real pain. Is it precaution? Is it anticipation or is it that I've already made up my mind to fail ? If someone told me that I was quitter ten years ago I would vehemently disagree. If someone said it today I would bow my head in shame and silently agree.
What if Jesus was a coward like the one I've become ? Who would have died for my sins ?Am I selfless enough to suffer for someone else when I can barely shoulder my own suffering? What if God spoke John 3:16 and didn't keep his word? Where would I be? Whom would I look towards for an example ? But that's not my worry today tomorrow or yesterday. Because God sacrificed without knowing if I would so the same. Jesus suffered without concern for the fact that I may take his name in vain and that I don't deserve it ... None of the decisions The Lord made were about Him and his loss as much as they were about others and yet I struggle to stick to much of anything these days. I don't need therapy as much as I need to talk to God. Ask Him to help me peel back these layers of the onion we call life and existence. Ask him to expose my void and deficiency just long enough for me to see them and just as quickly allow me to submit the pain and sadness to Him to heal me. Or better yet just submit up front and give up this quest to fix my situation on my own. That hasn't worked yet not sure why I keep trying.
To be continued ...
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