There's a cd in the car from who knows where that has gospel music on it ... Track number two couldn't tell you the name of it , but since the first time bearing it (roughly a year ago) I've loved it and its brought me to tears on occasion ... So the gist is the singer is telling their loved one how they want to see then happy. They miss seeing them smile and dance. Eventually he goes on to talk about the devil trying to steal your joy but the chorus and majority of the song is " oh I want to see you happy. I want to see you smile.i want to see you dance. You should be happy."
The first time I heard it it caught my attention, so I put it on repeat. By the third time hearing it I was a wreck. Crying and driving. Dangerous. I know. I couldn't put my finger on it because I thought I was "happy". I had just landed a new job and was excited about turning a new lead but there was angst oh boy was there angst. It got me to thinking about why I want happy and when I couldn't pinpoint that, was forced to ask myself when I was last happy. I think the resounding answer was my wedding day almost three years ago. Sunday September 19,2010. I didn't wake up happy but I snapped myself into the reality that I had the rest of my life to be upset and this day - I would put in my best and embrace the moment. And I did. Looking at the pictures from the wedding and layer the honeymoon. I was happy you could see a calm over me that was distinct .... Granted I was worried bc my Kim bad just suffered a stroke a mere three weeks before the wedding, discharged two days prior and I worried about her care and lifestyle - how would she cope? How would I cope on the heals of moving over an hour away into a new home? I was concerned. But for some reason it didn't show. I'm grateful for that - wedding photographers and videographers are not cheap so pics aren't ruined, but since I think I've kept kg word and have used every day since to be upset or angry or worried. Unintentionally of course but happening albeit.
With that unhappiness and despair came more of course. Those things travel together. But now here I am less than twenty four hours away from a life changing surgery and I see a face full of sadness and worry and nervousness. Joy just related to the surgery but really asking will I change? Will I ever see happiness in my eyes and in my spirit again?
Until too ably this morning I kept telling myself that after surgery things would change I'd have this new outlook and new frame of mind although I kind of new j was full of it. I watched an inspiring YouTube video of a lovely woman a few years older than me that really nailed it - the problems you had after surgery will still be there waiting for you. You don't wake up fabulous and fun if that's who you weren't before. So you look amazing ? Likely, are you still battling the weight? Hopefully kit, but you do have this decision that travels with you. It alters your lifestyle and decision making... hopefully.
Hen the hype of being thin wears off who are you? Do you make it to goal and keep up with maintenance or do you allow your old issues to tag along with new challenges and cripple you? Do you walk away worse than you started ?
These are questions that I'd love to Proclaim a Resounding "NO". But I have to be realistic and be mindful that smaller things have crippled me over the years. The plan over the next few weeks then, needs To become proactive about my approach to handling the unexpected.
To ask myself what is it that I'm unhappy about and not so much what would make me happy but what keeps me sad? I didn't think that would be such a difficult question to answer. Especially given the last few years blaming it on weight or lack of weight loss. Now it's here and I'm scared. Not scared of the procedure itself but scared of who I am on the inside and not comfortable getting to know? Scared of failure with no one to blame but myself? Scared of not knowing how to manage the upcoming challenges? Scared to face a person that i don't really like?
This is usually where I stop and remind myself that God has not given us the spirit of fear. But do I really believe that or is it something that I say to stop myself from getting to the bottom of this lifelong question?
Everyone talks about surgery being this reset button that gives you an opportunity to change your lifestyle and rethink how you should handle your relationship with . I agree but I also think it's a reset button for other things in your life other failures other wants and desires that you found a way to not pursue. The big question is how?
So prayerfully a year from now I will be visiting My doctors with we pep in my step and a Bill of clean health. The uncertainty and lack of confidence that lived inside me will be gone and I'll exude happiness positivity and joy. But I can speak to others and share with them my experience on the road that I've traveled and not the road of decreasing In weight or BMI or dress size but the road of exploring the person that I am - getting to know her getting to meet her getting to love her.
So this journey is not just to lose weight it's not to find happiness. This journey is to explore the woman that I am the woman that I have become the woman that I want to be to others and for myself.
Food has always been a distraction one that I gave too much credit. Investing the time to learn more about self always seemed like a faraway journey ...something off into the distance that I could one day get to when I had time when in actuality not investing the time in exploring self is what keeps me in this vicious cycle of fearing the unknown.
Am I admitting that I'm ready to get to know me? I think so but I am afraid of what I may uncover on this journey and in this exploration.
Fear cannot live here anymore.
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