The Park

Asa. Child I looooved the park - especially growing up in NYC where (at least when I was little) there weren't tons of them and everyone usually wanted to be there at the same time ... So everything was a line - like the swings - my all time favorite. 

Back in July we had a family friend visiting and she asked to go the park - she's 7 and of course we obliged.  Who knew parks were so much fun as adults - not theme parks - regular old school parks with swings, slides, monkey bars and such.  Well for the first time in almost twenty years I got on  no swing and didn't worry that I was too heavy or I'd be embarrassed about how I looked "stuffed" between the chain links or my butt being too wide for the rubber nook for seating. I got on and I let my inner kid out -well not entirely bc the adult in me didn't want to scuff my shoes - but given that I was a precocious child it isn't far fetched I would have had the same concern thirty years ago... Anyway as usual I digress... I just held on and began to swing, at some point I closed my eyes and traveled back to being a kid and imagining back then when I closed my eyes about being an an adult and then I felt a smile creep around the corners of my mouth-bc my real life NOW in some ways was. Ritter than my imagined life when I was a child. For that brief second I saw my accomplishments and not my unfinished projects or bad decisions. I saw my success at 36 and not my foresaken wish list.  I saw and experienced the magic of that moment and not the opportunity cost of what I should have been doing or how my time could be better spent. I felt FREE! It was incredible! It was unimaginably rewarding.

Earlier in the visit I was seated on a bench watching my husband play with Denyse and thought how awesome it is he can still be so much fun and I started to feel a little sad that I wasn't as fun...  Based that thought away with a selfie. Surprise surprise and saw her

That sparkle created by the positioning of the sun/lighting and the angle of the camera was symbolic of the new sparkle / shine I see in myself these days  and immediately I reprimanded myself for causing this woman of not being fun.  Fun? How can you say that about her ? She's on the ultimate journey of self discovery, awareness and purpose in life - that is FUN defined (by some)! Learning who you are, what you enjoy and not hiding behind actions driven primarily by what others expect of you because well... You have already deemed yourself an ultimate failure (sad, right) is HUGE! To take action now because YOU want to that's progress. So yah, I killed that "no fun" noir really quickly and made my way over to the wings to join hubbs and Denyse.

Suffice to say enjoyed my time at the park - next time I will wear more appropriate shoes :) 

Petite

I've been shopping a lot more, of course and have to say I finally appreciate the "petite" designation. Skirts end at the right place and shirts/jackets sit at your waist where they belong. Tall boots make me appear taller and there's less leg showing even when the skirt is a bit short... Life is good 

Holding steady around 145... 102 pounds lost from my highest reported weight... 

Excited about fitting into 6s and 8s as well :) yay!

Reunion

This summer has been great - reunions with old friends - high school / college / former colleagues - and for the first time that I can remember there was no angst about what I looked like or how much weight I'd gained since our last encounter. Dare I saw I was excited to get together? 

Weightloss had begun to slow down, appetite has begun to pick up and consumption ability in one sitting has certainly increased. I've been hanging out at 147 for the past few weeks - few pounds away from "normal" BMI.  Ideally would like to get down to 135, but could live with 137-140.  This post already sounds more dry and whiny than intended :(. What's good you ask? Birthdays for sure! Turning 36 and being practically at goal and down 100 pounds from my highest weight feels absolutely incredible! Shopping has not lost its allure - now I'm learning how to accessorize so I can visually increase my wardrobe - that is an art form if I have ever seen one.  In general life is good! 

Health - RA has been pretty crappy overall but I am primarily to blame as lately carbs have crept back into my diet and I cave to my sweet tooth much more than I should. Ultimately with back to school just around the corner it is time for me to get my health and wellness back in order ... I'd like to  try eating clean / paleo / low carb again as now I can afford to buy those pricey organic ingredients as I don't eat quite as much  in one serving... But that absolutely requires a more concerted effort to plan, shop and remain consistent. Also think juicing would be good to go back to - if not all in one meal at least for breakfast and maybe a shake mid day and a hahaha... Wait for it - sensible dinner :) crompised of protein and veggies.  Can I do it ? Absolutely? Will I --- hmm that is the big question. I need to as I believe it will help with the flare ups and allow me to get moving again. 

A few weeks ago I awoke unusually stressed and went for a nice brisk walk before work - I was sore later in the day but the crisp air in my lungs and movement in my joints did wonders for my mind and gave me an usual amount of energy during the work day. Maybe I can't do it every day, but dang it at least three times a week. As I am in between  studying and hearing about my promotion I owe it to my body to get in some well deserved exercise to form some healthy habits. Very little exvuse these days not to cook and eat better. As I type I'm looking at my  swollen fingers that resemble stuffed sausages moreso than human digits.  I digress and am complaining again - yeah, life is good.  Most of what ails me I can or have the means to control.

In other news - finally ready to start a family... I think?! Begs the question if I am seriously ready huh?  Decided that I've avoided the inevitable long enough and am ready to have pre conception tests run to confirm / advise if my body is baby ready. Verdict is still out on the impact RA will have on me / pregnancy but need to face those facts, find out and move on to the next phase - either trying to make a baby/ treatment to make a baby or looking into to adopting a baby.  

What other ramblings, musings have I wanted to disclose but just haven't had a chance? Oh! ATTENTION - I get a ton of it since losing weight and I can't say I'm disappointed with that.  It's nice in a simple word. Not quite as in tune with flirting as I thought I was ... 

 But that too is amusing once I figure out that's happening :) 

Haven't said much in this post and it re-affirms my suspicion. Need to vet things out as they happen because the catch up posts are no way as good as the impromptu ones! 

Ciao for now! Random pics from the summer below- which ironically reminds me of my "park" post... Boo!!! Will start that next. 

[NOT SO] LIGHT ON MY FEET (7/31/13 POST)

PLEASE NOTE THIS IS AN OLD POST i FOUND IN DRAFT ON MY LAPTOP.... FROM JULY 2013 It’s been a while since I checked in… but who is counting? I am – counting the pounds lost – which happens to be 52 since my highest recorded weight in less than three months post-op. I am stoked! 35th birthday is less than two weeks away and that was my longer, short term goal. Officially half way to goal ! YAY!! About ten years ago I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and have come to learn that a ton of “young” people suffer from this disease. We can go into it in further detail in a bit, but know that it is different from what your grandmother suffers from in her knees and elbows – likely that is osteoarthritis. RA is an auto immune deficiency which attacks your joints –um NOT FUN! Anyway, was diagnosed in my early twenties and suffered a few flare ups and miraculously it went into remission. About two years, it hit me like a ton of bricks ironically during my first attempt at C25K which completely thwarted my efforts. I went on to try the running program again and run my first 5K last October. I have been seeing my rheumatologist regularly and was prescribed low dose anti -inflammatory meds – prednisone (steroids)! While my dose was low 5-20 mg as needed – DOOZIE! The claims that this drug increases your appetite are not false – or maybe they are and I was using it as an excuse to eat everything in sight – but I did feel hungry more often than not. On a lighter note it did help with my morning stiffness assuming I took it before bed. Needless to say one of the compromises of surgery was no more NSAIDs – EVER – in fear of creating a bleeding ulcer! I was taken off prednisone and Aleve two weeks pre-op and felt awesome. Even after surgery I was feeling incredible. Not a sign of flare or swelling or joint pain. In June, I hosted a small get together for my husband and a close friend and TOTALLY overdid it – not enough sleep and too much time spent on my feet. The pain I experienced that weekend was unbearable. Emergency visit to Rheumatologist resulted in a cortisone shot and a vicodin script. Less than ideal. I felt better in a day or two, but since then I have been suffering with sever morning stiffness - wrists and fingers barely able to move, knees locked up, CANKLES, stiff shoulders and walking – well it’s more like a hobble than anything even close to resembling a walk. It is so easy to take our health for granted. All I can wonder is – why is this happening now? One of the huge claims is – LOSE WEIGHT – it will take pressure off your joints. UMMM I am almost back to my high school weight. How in Sam hell can I feel worse now than ever? It’s extremely frustrating because I had grand plans to jump into exercise once I was cleared and Ive done ZUMBA once and paid for it the next day. When I feel up to it, I walk in the evening after work, but I am hardly breaking a sweat and or traveling far. Most evenings with this awful commute we probably enjoy 30, maybe 40 minutes of daylight to spend outdoors. Want to know why I’m truly salty? Sure, I will gladly share – Attempted to organize my closet beginning with my shoes over the past few weeks and “discovered” I have 40+ pairs of shoes (yeah, I was surprised too) most of which are unworn… In creating my fat bag, I have found also that I have some great outfits that match said shoes (course, none of which was ever planned). Now the clothes fit AND I’m aware of the shoes, I cannot wear them together because my feet are too swollen to wear my shoes. I know this sounds vain and even a little whiny, but WHAT THE HECK? How in the world is this happening? I am officially a universal 16 and looking to pair my cute dresses with my bad ass heels and now I’m stuck wearing the same three pairs of flats – and I am not a lover of flats. Open toed shoes are what I have to wear, or the constriction is unbearable. Don’t get me wrong - as the day progresses the stiffness lessens but by 5pm I am still mildly limping – note this is a progression from the hobble at 5am. So now I’ve bitched – what is my action? I have researched quite a few blogs on RA “warriors” and the recommended exercise is water aerobics, which I did try and it makes the world of difference! The obstacle: I can only make the Sunday morning class (which is a rush before church). There are classes mid week but again commute woes keeps me from making it home in time for the 630pm class (EVER). Also, read yesterday that the recumbent bike and the elliptical are good options as well – no real complaint there given I have access to both without scheduling conflict. It’s making the time. The readings say when you are not in pain – exercise, but don’t push too hard. How do I when I am in pain all day? Seems the evenings are the least intense, so I should make the effort to get to the fitness center in the evening and get in at least fifteen minutes. It’s not all sadness on this end – shopping in my own closet is one of the most exciting experiences. It is time to part with my size 18s, or put them to the side for future alterations once I reach goal weight. In the meantime the 16’s are zipping up effortlessly and my double chin is ALMOST gone! Not to mention having hit One-derland!! Myfitnesspal profile talks about wanting to wear a sexy, little black dress for my birthday (last year’s wishlist) and I think instead of an LBD this year I will sporting a little white dress (verdict isn’t in on that just yet). I can see the difference in my face and body – finally outside of clothes. Oddly enough approaching that weird place where I like how I look in my clothes, not out of my clothes, hence the URGENCY to start working out seriously. I WILL mold this body into a sexy one in and out of clothes. So what are some things that I’m excited about ? Glad you asked! 1. Bought and fit into my first Charlotte Russe dress (three of them)! 2. Fitting into an XL from The Limited (didn’t’ even know that store still existed since I haven’t shopped there in almost ten years) 3. Wearing belts as accessories and to add style 4. Sporting a chic (if I must say so myself) haircut that highlights my new (skinnier) face 5. Acknowledging a difference in treatment from others On that last point – I have to really delve into that a bit further. It is part different treatment from others and part increased confidence from me. That should be another post because I have quite a bit to share there. So recap of this post - down 50+ pounds, rough patch with RA, need to get in some RA friendly physical activity and pushing to get into some 14s and EXCITED about my 35th! Will post pics soon.

TRIP TO GURGAON INDIA

Traveled to India for work back in early March.... Overall, it was INCREDIBLE!  My "host" team was great, the hotel was awesome, the service all around was top notch and I felt safer than I did all the years i worked in NYC (fancy that). Want to know the greatest part of it all? Not feeling limited because of my size / weight... So much so that I was not shy to buy local attire and go shopping with a colleague and have her play photographer, not that I am not fully capable of a good old fashion selfie (tons of those to come)... Our team's color was "Yellow" so my kurta color selection was limited ..which was a saving grace - I would still be trying to narrow it down up to now, ha!

did't love this one so mcuh

bought this one and wore it to work!

 Not worrying if I'll be the biggest person in the department, or the chubbiest visitor that ever came from the states or worrying if people would watch the 'fat girl eat'. None of that harassed me one bit - I was a little paranoid about the 'carb-rich' diet and eating out every night for 2.5 weeks, but as it turned out I did just fine. Actually lost a few pounds while I was there and surprisingly exercised 2-3 days a week and participated in a team event onsite... check me out -- looking like...

"Holi Celebration"

It was quite the experience - the time difference and jet lag was a drag, but traveling to a foreign country alone has its perks - you get to SEE and experience the place with minimal distraction from others (I mean that in the nicest way possible) .. What I mean is you are literally moving at your own pace you focus on things that you may not otherwise have seen because you were looking at something else. I got in some damn good people watching - as people there did a fine job watching me - hahaa! Once upon a time I would have gotten hung up on whether they looked because they were apalled by how big I am/was or what, but for a first I found myself making eye contact looking and staring back in bewilderment.. Still cannot figure out if it was because I am an African American woman, or what - but after the first few days I got past it. Can't lie didnt' encounter another one of me while I was there, so maybe that was the case. Evem at one of the biggest tourist attractions in the world, I stood out a bit...

Me at the Taj Mahal - it's even more incredible in real life!

Even dining out alone didn't mortify me as it has in the past. Even with 3-4 plates in front of me because i wanted to TASTE everything.. Oddly enough no one looked at me strange either. My hots colleauges that I was bizarre and didn't eat enough they kept trying to feed me -they laughed when we went out for Pizza and I only ate the cheese and toppings. They cajoled as I struggled to eat one single samosa (I LOVE THEM) though I felt guilty having even the ONE because it was all veggies - not a lick of protein. They got a kick out of my eating habits and patterns... Until they saw my before picture, then they all got serious and said "OMG would have never thought that was you if you weren't showing me the picture yourself!" That is usually the sobering moment for everyone. So how and what did I eat - I ate from the buffet for brunch daily (I worked from 1pm -10pm local time) so I had my mornings free which is dangerous for me, but I digress. Ate from the lobby buffet daily food was fine, I just am not a huge fan of bacon every day and their chicken sausages never tasted particularly cooked, so I did what any greedymon would do - I got creative. I would find cheese and any sauteed veggies and spoil msyelf with one slice of toast with a little jelly. I had yogurt based smoothies in small increments. I wont' like after passing by the pastries day after day I finally decided to give them a whirl - they had the cutest mini donuts... Fortunately for me they all SUCKED!! They were stale and didnt warrant the full consumption ( sigh of relief) !! (progress... not perfection)

donut, peach preserves, veggie dumpling, lo mein and mango smoothie

Fortunately because of surgery consumption levels are still fairly small (thank God!) so even when I eat carbs (or anything else for that matter) I can only go but SO far - blessing if there every was one! I was home sick to say the least, but had some of the best convesations via FaceTime and text with my DH - I missed him and my mom terribly. As I mentioned the 10.5 hour (pre daylight savings time) time difference was rough because it was inconvenient for everyone to chat. Either super early in the morning for me or for them.. but we braved it and it was worth every hour of sleep I missed (and I missed quite a bit despite my early afternoon start tim in the office).


The flight - I thought I'd go crazy... Between freezing to death on the way back and sleeping and watching movies I could NOT get home fast enough - no matter how great the accommodations you miss sleeping in your own bed when it all boils down to it. Overall awesome experience and I would do it again tomrrow.. well maybe no tomorrow.. more like next year - there are so many details I would love to share but ... this post would be longer than it already is. Need to squeeze in a few pics and maybe have an India part two - The Stuff, the people, the sights or something... For now will leave you with a few pics...

New Year -New Me!

Looks like I'm on a two month lag, but it's all good.  so, where am I now ? still losing...it's slowed down but I am ok with that.  I am 8.5 months out and down 85 pounds!  Thanksgiving and Christmas were awesome -- May be the first time I didn't GAIN weight over the holidays whew!

My rheumatism is still a beast, but I am trying to find my way around that... Started acupuncture  therapy and tried juicing - like everything else they both require consistency and our commitment.

Guess I wasnt in as much of a blogging mood as I thought I was one mont ago. True to form haven't stuck with juicing and or regular acupuncture treatments.

Juicing - havent quit it entirely but really want to add it in to my life gradually and cleaning that frigging thing is a beast!  Go figure.. I fall out of it and hubbs falls into it - not sure I can consider juice an official meal.. I will go back into that shortly.

Acupuncture - interestingly enouh I have had three treatments in about a month-while it didnt make me feel worse, cant say it made me feel entirely better ... and he treatment took over an hour .. not sure if thats the nature of it but I found myself more stressed and anxious to leave than focusing entirely on relaxing.. I am such a worrywart.

What both of these things boil down to are more time commitments that I cannot comfotably spare ... spending almost 20 hours a week in commute and waking up at the crack of dawn, I neeed things that fall into the get in where you fit in categories.

Warning - catch all post alert... some random ranting and some actual good stuff worthy of reading. Currently esting out bluetooth ipad keyboard cover and while its better for blogging than the touch scren my ginormous hands cannot use the homerow to maintain my normal typing speed and the stiffness from RA is not helping...

OK will pause here.. For the most part think I like it.. will revert back with more interesting content. Heaven only knows I have tons I want to discuss but I need to selevt a topic and go for it.Thanks for stopping by ---Happy New Year!