Healing

Healing. Defined as restored to health or soundness.
After losing weight are we considered healed? Is the weightloss process part of our healing process?
One of my posts "What's your Malfunction" was scratching the surface at what drives the reason anyone is overweight ?  There is something that keeps us this way or got us here. The question is what will get us out of it?  I have watched enough Biggest Loser and  Oprah during the 80's and 90's to know there's usually something that is at the epi-center of an unheathy relationship with food. I have since taken that in trying to find my own trigger or my own "fat story".  I settled on not really owning one as much as I am just greedy and quite enjoy food - there's some truth in that coupled with faulty thinking.  I don't agree that's the case. I still don't think I have a legit or even tear jerking fat story.  My struggle with managing my weight is a mere reflection of some bigger struggle that's going on in my life and it goes like this. When I can't overcome that bigger issue I tell myself I'm pissed and I will lose weight.  That will make that other struggle appear less daunting and I'll magically overcome it. I start a diet. Make some progress - never meet my goal but make just enough progress to think I can make the weightloss initiative secondary and pick back up the real object of my affection - the bigger challenge - usually linked to work or school. I backslide on the w/l and the vicious cycle starts over - Failure - and no effective coping method for recovery.
A few weeks ago I acknowledged that while weight is a huge (and ongoing) struggle I have much larger and more damaging hurdles I need to overcome immediately and that my w/l struggle is merely a byproduct of said bigger issues... I'll get into them when I'm comfortable
This blog really isn't and should not be summarized/categorized  as being about my journey through weight loss.  It should be about my journey through life - learning to cope with adversity, managing my emotions and incorporating balance into my routine long term.
I have encountered women who appear "well adjusted" whatever that means. And then there's me trying to to do what seems like too much with too little and falling apart at the seams in the mean time.  How do you begin to fill the gap or hell  create a gap?  Is there a reset or  pause button for life ?
Remember "Evie" from "Out of this World"? She could freeze time and unfeeeze specific things and people - I know unreasonable to channel a fictional character but it's the best visual I could muster. 
I need to freeze things for a while and find my way.
So ill freeze this post here and get back when I can....

Week Three

So this is the start of week three of "treatment". Guess this is officially the halfway point ... Having mixed feelings. Think I'm making good progress but still slightly worried / anxious about the next steps. I recognize that as ego / negative thinking.
Spent the weekend in DC with college friends celebrating a friend's sister's 40th birthday. There is nothing quite like  nostalgia...helps to put things back into perspective after some reflection.
The road has been long, but in the grand scheme of things o have much to be thankful for. These past few years of adversity don't feel so large when I look back at some of my struggles in the past. Simultaneously some of my struggles I could have NEVER prepared for them.
Just a few weeks before another trip and time to reframe / refocus and get back on track. As I inch closer to my "deadline" my focus moves towards being, living and acknowledging the NOW in every element of my life. I am close to a place of peace NOW. I have work to do NOW. I love who Summa is becoming NOW. I appreciate my blessings NOW! I am grateful for the life , friends and experiences I am having NOW!
I will deal with tomorrow when it comes. For NOW this is my space and my focus.
I have begun keeping a gratitude journal and it has been helpful to log happiness vs chronicling sadness. When I look back at my life I don't want to focus on disappointment and sad moments. I want to reflect on the happiness, the gladness and recreate THAT!

Elim Diet Day 3

"Witnessed" serotonin at work today - both literally and figuratively!  

So had a meeting at 1pm that started out well and went downhill by 120 and I walked away fuming. Prior to the meeting was still full from breakfast so decided Id have a late lunch. Now you all know how excited I was about my leftovers because I raved about dinner. By the time I returned to my desk I had entirely  lost my appetite for my "clean lunch". Instead I began to hanker "nasties" chips, chocolate, chines food and cheese fries (lol- just realized my triggers all start with "ch"). 

Fortunately my mind was clear enough to identify that it couldn't have been "true hunger" because I had food accessible...  it was my mood - calling out for comfort. My disposition did change and so did my tone and all the while I remained mindful it was head hunger and I ate my fruit instead and tried to remain connected a d focused on tasks at hand.  

Moral of the story - had my mind NOT  been clear (thann you elimination diet)  I would have done what I always do -- which is feed my emotions  and pay later. A clear mind allowed me to rationally identify what was going wrong and choosing the alternative. 

Emotional eating is VERY real. Not saying Im a professional at ED but this small win is enough for me to keep at it. I even began to text my husband and tell him I didn't feel like cooking-and there was nothing to go with the leftover chicken and suddenly remembered i planned ahead yesterday and bought sweet potatoes as an alternate side for tonight. 

Amazing what access to clear thoughts can do for you - thanking Karen for this detox!  And counting down while my potatoes bake!

Progress

So I was promoted almost a month ago... Was looking forward to it, it was watered down along the way and now faced with major adversity as a result.

The challenges I expected, perhaps not the specific sources but I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park.. Albeit, guest speaker used offense as the basis of his sermon to remind us the devil uses offense as an entrapment tool.  The message could not have come at a better time. Spent most of the week ignoring folks that have offended me and felt pretty satisfied with myself. Go figure I was only giving in to the master evil plan.  

Even with today's Facebook post of feeling empowered to go into my fifth week of my new role with my head held high, my squared shoulders and a broad back I feel sad and discouraged. My hew offense is from my husband - all these weeks into the new role and no real effort on his part to formally celebrate my accomplishment. We have had this conversation in the past and he offered me some lame excuse and here we are at this crossroad again. I'm Nnoyed and disappointed in him and with myself because I still am failing to plan for the disappointment and deal accordingly.  But I know why --,because I would NOT treat him that way and because he should know by now this is a sore subject with me. I brought it to his attention this evening and he had the nerve to tell me he's not interested in discussing because something is in the works.  I hardly believe him - something likely came into works thus evening when I called him out, but if in four weeks you gave done absolute nothing to acknowledge my milestone  - from a greeting card to flowers or a anything else hard to believe there's some master plan in the making all this while. Unfortunately he's a grade A procrastinator and typically thinks up things and fails on the research and or execution of the plan. It's super annoying. So now because I've identified it he's pretending that he's mad because I'm mad at his lack of "support". Oh please!

Tired, annoyed, disappointed and hormonal - bad combination.  

The Struggle...Part I

The struggle is REAL!

So I  find myself grappling with all things - ADULT! I love entertaining but lack the time and tend to  overthink everything! I find myself making up excuses and or reasons to want to host events, but struggle with mixing friends, enough time to prep and the time to commit to prep - seems like a 'no brainer' to move along, correct? 

Regarding lacking  time - one of the things I want to do is more DIY/crafty type stuff which working 90+ hours per week doesn't accommodate.  The struggle continues - I have my June Cleaver side who wants to cook hubby a nice dinner most weeknights who battles with my career woman side who is charged by the growing responsibility at work and  being in a major decision making role which means most nights I don't leave the office until almost midnight ... yah MIDNIGHT. Then there are the 'want to become a mommy' thoughts that creep in more frequently these days and definitely does not coincident with 20 hour days in the office.

So I've said a lot and yet nothing all at the same time -so let me elaborate.

Entertaining - enjoy it... or maybe I like the though of loving it.

Most of my Pinterest boards are all about food/recipes/parties/hosting/entertaining. For an avid reader I have very few "quote" pins and second in line to all things food and hostess-ing is clothes/make-up/fashion related stuff. 

WHO IS THIS WOMAN?? 

I will take this opportunity to share my Thanksgiving pics of which I am SOOO proud of. So with most of our fine entertaining/hostess goodies in storage I was presented with a dilemma for Thanksgiving - hosting folks fancy dinner party style without the commitment of high end purchases at my favorite place - Pier 1 and the concern for storing seasonal decorations in a much smaller space; or paying to take things out of storage to only pay to have to return them. I tapped into my resourceful side and hit up Pinterest for DIY decor that I could live with disposing of and contacting a party rental company to cover seating. Everyone deserves a seat at the table if you're being invited over for dinner, wouldn't you say? 

Rented tables, chairs, chargers, table cloths and napkins to accommodate my guests- which I'll digress and say I was STOKED to hit 9 attendees including myself - started out at 11, but life happened. My all time goal is to host a dozen (including myself) for the holidays - it's a lot more work than I thought it was and have learned a few concessions/compromises for future consideration on hosting before and after the main event. More on that later. It was important to me to have my table and home well decorated for the occasion and inviting for first time and returning guests - it's all about the 'full experience' as far as I am concerned. With RA, most simple tasks become more complicated for me with limited use of my extremities and the constant reminder of not over doing things to avoid invoking a flare (it happens every time despite my grand plan to avoid)....With no further adieu ...will share my table-scape, a few decor and food photos. 

As you can tell the tablescape is more "fall inspired" than Turkey, Pilgrim, Quaker related decor. The felt coaster 'leaves' pleasantly added color and texture to the white on white table and replicated in a more practical manner what I've done in the past with was scattered artificial leaves.  Our fine china is in storage, but even if it wasn't for  nine guests I would NOT have pulled it out to use as that's too many dishes to wash (what nerve!) so these are the disposable hard plastic flatware (Masterpiece & Reflections if you were curious) - they are dishwasher safe, but I'm ok with chucking them as they are sturdy enough for guests to have multiple servings and re-heat via microwave if necessary.  There are enough serving dishes & utensils, pots & pans to wash at the end of the night - I am trying to choose my battles. 

The little orange planter with the gerber daisies was re-purposed from the the dining room windowsill  - was excited that my breakaway centerpieces via mason jars were mixed in between other containers with artificial gerber daisies. Would you know the difference if I didn't out myself? 

 "GIVE THANKS" banner was hung using mini clothespins, Pinterest printed template glued to heavier card stock (poor planning to not have printed directly to cardstock), jute twine and command strips.  Letter placement is slightly off, but the perfectionist in me lived with the slight imperfection.  Progress...not perfection.

 Thanks to Pinterest was able to take advantage of easy 'placements' and scratch paper for our new Thanksgiving tradition... Happy to share, but won't bore you with the details otherwise.

Very proud of my handmade napkin rings that were unbelievably easy despite my RA  - was able to make 11 of them in record time for less than $1/each. More thanks to Pinterest!

The dessert table was not large enough to house the plethora of desserts we had - there was almost one dessert selection per attendee (not including the mini cheesecakes)-RIDICULOUS, I KNOW! Have I mentioned Thanksgiving is my all time favorite holiday? 

Look closely - the napkin ring plays double duty to hold "Thankful for" name tags (also another Pinterest download) and later I added a pencil to the the "package" to accommodate the 'scratch paper' concept I mentioned earlier. The chargers were also rented. Annoyed the crap out of me to pay $1 each to rent when I own over three dozen of them between silver and gold, but those too, are in storage. Whatevs!

Even looking back, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE LOVE LOVE the pop of color - orange, which happens to my favorite color against the white on white  tables and chairs.  Maybe next time I will add a second accent color - perhaps a satiny brown ... but for a first round I can totally live with this. Happy the vision materialized as planned. 

 Fitting this table into the dining room took some re-arranging and more planning than I thought but grateful it worked out. My original plan was not as sound and would have been inconvenient for guests wanting to watch tv. I love a buffet however I do not appreciate cluttering the dining table with the myriad dishes to be enjoyed. Will share a few food pics in a few. The food is main FEATURE of Thanksgiving so it certainly deserves its own table.  Some may call it overkill... I can live with it.

I am a hardcore foodie, so there is no surprise that there are far more close up food pics than decor pics... Apologies or the empty dish. The garlic bread was still in the oven. In addition to consumed with linens and table decor serveware is next in line. If I had my way I'd have a closet just for serving dishes and utensils....I have a buffet and server (also in storage) that was pregnant with these goodies. the remainder was in the garage. OH how I miss it.

 I'm sure you are wondering what you are looking at - first row (left to right) corn pudding, cranberry apple relish, coleslaw, string beans; second row (left to right) macaroni & cheese, jerk pork, cranberry/walnut stuffing, rice & peas (or as my caribbean family would call it - peas & rice); third row (orange dish) my sister's favorite "cheesy potatoes". Pretty sure the legit name is au gratin or scalloped but I just get right to the point and identify the primary ingredients  (smile)

Right side of the table Pineapple ham, gourmet sweet potato casserole and my pride and joy Thomasina the Turkey in the rear. Why isn't she in the middle you ask, because hubby needs elbow room to get his slice on. Don't worry - there is a close up of her... Keep scrolling..

Full table shot - baked ziti (far left, not previously shown). In general I have no 'aluminum foil pan rule, however for reasons not worth articulating I had to live with it this go around. Didn't take away from the tastiness of the dishes, just a wee bit of an eyesore as far as I'm concerned.

 I like to call this the "back shot".. LOL but it really depends on what is considered the back vs the front of the table.

 Ms Thomasina in all her splendor and glory. Got a bit more creative this year given the grape selection was limited both in taste/flavor and color this year, LOVE LOVE LOVE the baby apples (can't remember their actual name), the kumquats (perfect splash of orange without taking up too much room on the plate) and more cooperative then slices of bell pepper I have used in the past. By the time these photos were taken the sun was sorta kinda setting but not really and the natives were becoming too restless for me to fiddle with the camera settings to perfect the lighting. Sorry 'Sina, next year promise to provide individual photo shoot to capture all of your beauty.

 Gourmet Sweet Potato casserole... Lighting on this is also slightly off - but this is normally the most enjoyed and fastest consumed dish at our house. I was never a fan of that marshmallow situation and being surrounded by diabetics I needed to find a way to accommodate their dietary restrictions without the otherwise 'meh' taste of sugarless nyummies. Thankful for Splenda Brown & Baking sugar blends.  the pecan mixed into the streusel adds a really fancy and tasty touch as well.

 The other star of the show is "Arnold" (the pineapple ham).  We make this every year and yet for some reason this year my husband offered a thousand more compliments than usual and it was the puppy's' first taste of human food. She still doesn't like me but she followed me around for about 3 days in pursuit of scraps and or her own serving. My favorite part -the pineapples and the inner slices. People get excited about the crispy/crunchy pieces that harden thanks to the glaze and heat of the oven, I cut those pieces of for those that want to indulge and make sure what is put on the table is sweet, soft and succulent (kinda like myself)! 

 My mom's rice and peas - is hands down the best I've ever had. This pic doesn't do it justice.. but man oh man is good. Ive had vegetarians and non vegetarians eat it by the plate with no sides, gravy or meat and beg for more. Glad that post stroke she's gotten back into the groove. I was worried for a while. 

 The stuffing - another mommy best. My mom and I are spoiled - we don't like 'wet bread' and that's what most stuffing tastes like to us. She never prepares the stuffing too soon prior to dining and always makes it loose & dry. the addition of the multi colored peppers,  onions, walnuts and dried cranberries is like a party in your mouth. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Mom's stuffing. And we aren't the type that cook the stuffing in the turkey - no judgement. Just not our thing - if we did it would create that 'wet bread' concept we don't enjoy.  

 Cole Slaw. Nothing too exciting - except my bragging rights that prior to mine, my husband did NOT eat cole slaw at all. It's got all of 4 ingredients in it but he loves it and that makes me feel UBER special.

 Ohh the jerk pork... Marinated a good 48 hours and made with nothing but love - you can taste it. by day 3 it tasted even better if that was possible. It isn't a usual Thanksgiving staple - made an appearance this year as a trial but will be a part of the permanent line up going forward. Enjoyed it so much so that it will make it to the Christmas menu as well. 

 Cranberry apple relish - bursting with flavor, but I think I skimped on the cornstarch because it never quite "congealed".  Only mom and I really care for cranberry sauce anyway so it was no biggie. Would definitely do it again, just pay more attention and prep the night before as I use to with the traditional Cranberry sauce. But it was seriously tasty. My foodie friend Wendy shared the recipe.

 My sister's baked Ziti - with ground turkey. MAGNIFIQUE! This  was so doggone good that it didn't do it justice to eat with the rest of the dishes. I had to eat it alone as its own meal. Meaty, cheesy, flavorful goodness oozing with love. My momma taught her well.

 My sister's macaroni and cheese. Admittedly I am a Kraft mac & cheese from the box kind of gal. Took years for me to really warm up to 'baked mac & cheese" because most preparers over bake it and it's too dry for my tastes, however this girl she nails it. Nice, cheesy, creamy and can be eaten on it's own. she makes a pretty mean Pineapple upside down cake as well. All this talk about Thanksgiving food is making me hungry and today was supposed to be return to low carb, high fat because I have seriously been on the runaway train. 

So this turned into Thanksgiving recap rather than describing the struggle. 

The Thanksgiving struggle made me sad. I was scheduled to be off from work for the week to prep and plan for my guests but due to unforeseen circumstances I had to cancel my time off and (if you can believe) work (albeit remote) on my favorite holiday). I was so pissed I was almost brought to tears. We were are going through a very trying time at work but it dawned on me that I have been sacrificing entirely too much for this job when I don't LOVE it any longer and cannot confidently say that all that I'm doing has or will prove to be worthwhile. That is yet to be seen. 

So I had to do some soul searching. Evaluated what's important -again I enjoy being a decision maker, but also want to spend time with my family during holidays... and for important occasions. this past year has been an epic fail in that arena due to work commitments.  I could go on about that and perhaps I will maybe in another post but that too is part of "The Struggle".

Overall my guests enjoyed themselves and I was pleased with the end result, over tired, achey and self induced flareup made working on Black Friday even more difficult and unfulfilling.  Having to cancel our first "Friends Giving" was a HUGE let down. So you see, "The Struggle" continues. 

We are less than 3 weeks away from Christmas and I am trying to plan for that (hosting again) and proactively consider all that I want versus what is reasonably committal.  My mother and sister will certainly help but for me it's about the full experience. Also want to establish our own Christmas traditions. We were considering the big Christmas Eve dinner and all day Christmas lounge approach but my current role doesn't really support that model.  Maybe next year. In the meantime looks like the plan for this year will be to cook as much as I can on Christmas Eve and enjoy it on Christmas day in a relaxed setting with my immediate family - huzzby, mom, sis and in-laws. Essentially Thanksgiving Part Dieux without all the trimmings and presentation (huge compromise for me).

So, my fellow EXPERT entertainers - what is the formula to hosting guests pre and post holiday, prepping the house, the food and desserts and follow up meals for guests without toiling and laboring the entire time? I have an amazing cookbook that has some delicious recipes that Id love to try out - but I know better than to practice a new recipe on company especially when I've committed to making so many other dishes. So is the trick to outsource the dessert or have guests bring dessert if you are cooking and hosting? That works except maybe I'm a closet martyr and want to do it all? The folks on the cooking shows do it - LOL did I really just say that? Guess I can it just has to be when I am preparing dishes that are no brainers and the new item would be a dessert and there aren't multiple high maintenance dishes - I dunno. Looking for your thoughts on this one. 

How do you do it? 

Next up I need to address my lack of motivation to study for the CTP exam less than 2 months away. 

Talk soon. It's been weeks since I posted and now to avoid the inevitable (STUDYING)  I would prefer to jump into the next LOOONG post. Someone tell me to go away and get to work!!