Day 4

Today wasn't too bad. I've stretched out my meals though I HAVE to eat lunch by 1130 or I'm famished. Tea in the morning helps I had a lot of tea today which helps contribute to water consumption by my calculation of course.

Lunch was yummy-replica of dinner and a lunch box size apple later on the afternoon.

What did I learn? That I'm.not a huge fan of stevia - specifically Dole’s no sugar added diced peaches no was so excited to have them as a snack but the insanely syrupy fake sweetness was disgusting.  I had to grab the container and look at the ingredients and thereby was stevia- maybe I can sit them in some water to get them out of the syrup. What a huge disappointment!

Dinner however far from disappointing - shrimp with lemon pepper string beans - deelish & so filling. Should have videotaped myself slicing each shrimp & string beans into bite-size pieces and enjoying every.single.morsel!

No judgement on the mismatch disposable/permannent utensils or the tobacco sauce stain at the edge of the plate. 

Newbie

Ok, so I know last round I said I’d be following Heather’s Half Size Me approach but I fell off the wagon of even doing that and I did what she made me vow (theoretically) not to do - try another last ditch effort. You guys I hit 198 and blew right past it to 202.8 as of this afternoon which includes loading this pst weekend with the intention of hitting 5000 calories each day. If I made it to 3500 that was plenty.  

Ok so it sounds like HCG but it’s crapton more expensive and offers a bit more flexibility with meal prep & food combinations. Intermittent Fasting is still key but I already appreciate this is doctor supervised WEEKLY! 

Drops vs shots, b12 and other supplements to go along with. The one other thing I’m trying this round is outsourcing meal prep to help me enjoy meals without the hassle of having to make it myself. Tonight’s dinner inspired this post - “breadless” deconstructed  crabcake with Dole chopped salad - Pomegranate and extras excluded + Walden Farms Thousand Island.  We all know WF has NOTHING on wishbone but ina lunch when you need something with a little kick to spruce up a dry salad nothing ever  

tasted so good. Not thrilled that it’s not all natural and or clean but by 2B mindset standards that’s a topping and doesn’t hold as much weight & falls into the 80/20 rule where my 2.5 cups of salad is the 80 & the dressing is the 20%

What’s interesting about this is that I was satisfied with dinner and this is the part where I ask why am I fat or struggling with this 40# weight gain and the answer is ideal conditions

1. Some of the work was done for me 

2. Today was not an incredibly stressful day

3. I feel like I have space to operate (which reality is I am on borrowed time as I always am)

4. I am hopeful because today went so well

Not sure how long the budget can sustain outsourcing meal prep, but if the scale moves in the right direction just may need to rework some other spend to continue this week. Again it’s only day 1 ofLosing  phase and I’m curious to see what tomorrow’s step in the scale reports 

In the meantime I will attempt to check in every few days with updates. Below is 3 oz of crabmeat and 2 cups of salad with a generous serving of dressing - guesstimating 2.5-3 tablespoons. 

Meal plan 

Lunch & dinner 4 oz lean protein, 4 oz non starchy vegetables, 1 serving bread product (melba toast, 1/2 flat out or bread sticks. Less than 60 calories each serving of bread product). 

Breakfast - coffee, tea, water, stevia 

Face the Music

Hey friends! Happy Thanksgiving eve. So I got squeezed in with my surgeon in NY  for an ACCURATE read on my weight. Officially up 30 pounds from my last visit Apr 2016.  We spoke about my options - my sleeve has stretched but mostly from air (soda, beer , carbonation etc). I am disappointed and had even called a bunch of surgeons in mexico to get more  work done - Not convinced I wont and im a blabber mouth enough to have asked my PA (love her) about it - and she was honest. She said its not done in our office (blabber mouth didnt mention medical tourism) but you could talk to the doc regarding re-sleeving though it will be $$ (i already called my insurance - they dont cover re-visions).

Anyway i asked her honestly what can I do- she said honestly now u HAVE TO put in work. I kinda knew that answer already & may have rolled my eyes ha.  But she’s right- and its less about speed and ease as much as its life. As I / we will know it. Annoyed yes - frustrated sorta- shocked? Not even close. She asked me to close my eyes and think back to how and what made me push so hard . Eyes popped open & I declared every day i weighed leas than yesterday. Theres no better motivation than that. 

She said true, but thats not reality or sustainable. So everyday that ur on the right track and logging/journaling & moving should be something to celebrate bc you are in control. She also said it took a while for ur poor eating habits to catch up with you and you should reasonably expect a delay in seeing the effects of  good habits on the scale. 

That said. We did a barium exam - and my sleeve isnt out of control back to basics will allow it to get back to a leaner/tighter  sleeve and ultimately a leaner tighter summa.

Am I convinced I can do it? In my heart of hearts if i busted my ass - yes! Do I want to? Most days - do I want to ? No, I’m tired of fighting this same fight but it seems this is my lot to bear in this lifetime, and I need to be ok with either fighting the good fight or throwing in the towel once and for all. Will I ever be out of this weight game? Probably not.

What’s next on the agenda for me? The usual 

•Incorporating physical activity

•Healthy/mindful eating 

•Consistency

I need help with MOTIVATION. I am naturally motivated by metrics.

Changes in the scale & the the way my clothes fit.

My struggle - enjoying/engaging physical activity 

Sh*t is Getting Real

Though I don't want to admit it I am more a creature of habit than I care to admit.

I am now 41 and a month.. last post I was closer to 40 and 2 months. So much has happened in the last year - hardly the impetus for lack of posts as much as I often forget this blog exists since it's not public. Instead I was journaling and recalled why I stopped with the hard-copy and reverted to soft copy - 1) flexibility of 'penning' thoughts wherever I am 2) when RA flareups strike, as they are now, typing is much easier 3)carrying around a notebook and a pen is so 25 years ago - ha!

Alright y'all (and likely y'all is me!) Quick Stats Updated

HW: 247

LW: 137

CW: 196 (gulp!)

I am hella scared of hitting 200 pounds and I am sooo close. I have been driving myself ragged "fearing" it and counter-intuitively eating ALL THE THINGS! None of the good things of course. I could go on and about how busy life is and how I'm stretched and blah blah blah but that would be excuses, it's true - but it's all bullshit.

I just did a quick recap in my notebook and ugggh I'll retype because it's actually worth me re-reading when I sit down for my next post. 

Heather's (Half Size Me) Lesson 4, 4 step process (I will go into that later) was a really helpful exercise an I think I will start with the water habit this week. Increasing consumption and using flavor enhancers (despite all of the criticism around the negative impact of crystal light and blah blah blah). Yah I can use fruit as well but I'm a slow water drinking so the fruit in my cup will go rancid faster than I would get through the one cup. The alleged cancer causing agents in Crystal Light take much longer to 'turn on me'.  I digress. I'll start with attempting 64 oz and work my way up to 1/2 my body weight (gulp!, that's damn near 100 oz of water per day). 

Pretending not to be disappointed that I've gained back half my weigh loss surgery wins is hard.  I hung out at 145-150 pounds for a good 18 months and was convinced I could stay there forever and frankly I stayed that course for a good stint with admittedly little effort. Maybe it was a little TOO easy.   When we left Stamford I was 159ish, by the time we got "settled" in to Loveland, say March '17 I was 165ish and struggling to get back to 159 - enter Keto diet.. which frankly never quite launched for/with me. If I lost and kept off 6 pounds on Keto that was a lot - I don't think I was ever strict enough and or ever really got into ketosis #epicfail. 

Fast forward a year to March 2018 when we moved to Columbus - I was 173-175 and pretty miserable and not happy I was buying/ fitting into bigger Mediums/Larges and wearing more of a size 12 than my coveted (10's which was the highest double digit dress size I ever wanted to wear again).., Ha! Really? Fast forward another 18 months in Sep 2019 and I'm a whopping 196 pounds! What in all the fuck happened - 30 pounds in less than 3 years? I've regained one third of my WLS loss in 3 years, which is 10 pounds per year, approximately 1 pound per month! Now let me offer some more context - less than 6 months ago I was 170ish on the brink of getting back into my 10s comfortably and coming for the 160s with a vengeance. That was first round of HCG - which looking back was not hard the first go, but almost impossible the 2nd 2 attempt to follow in subsequent months. True to form Heather's theory I shouldn't celebrate that success because here I am back up those coveted 20 pounds with 5 friends considering my highest recorded weight since WLS was 190 in January.. Today I stand at the same height of 5'3" and 196! It hurts even typing it. 

Yesterday I told someone I'm not losing because I don't want to or I'm not actually ready - sure I want to, but short of inundating my brain with blogs and potential plans I've been eating my way quickly towards 200 pounds.  

I recently stumbled across Heather Robertson's podcast, Half Size Me and I'm moved by it. Clearly not moved enough to start but Heather takes a different approach to weightloss. She encourages maintenance mindset and being honest, sincere and kind with yourself about habits, non negotiables and what can be a sustainable weightloss experience that won't throw you back into the perils of bad habits and the inevitable regain. 

Through the podcast she's helped me identify so much BEHAVIOR bullshit which is really MindSET bullshit that I almost look forward to traffic so I can get through a full session. Most are anywhere from 35-60 minutes. Did I really just say I look forward to traffic? ha! Yah, that happened. What do I really want ? What am I NOT prepared to give up? Can I be ok with being patient with my weightloss?

To be clear, she doesn't endorse any plan over another as much as she encourages more thoughtful steps before jumping into the next plan. Where are you now? what are you doing now? What is your current benchmark. I could go on an on- check out her website halfsizeme.com (which I'm less familiar with) than her blog, Half Size Me which I have come to rely on heavily. 

So back to my next steps - what are they? What's really challenging me from getting my shit together? 

Laziness - throwing a pity party - FOMO - feeling like I suddenly should have it all even though I haven't put for consistent effort in much of anything lately? 

Again this year has come with some pretty amazing opportunities and wins but I'm a big hung up on my own nonsense like extra weight to actually celebrate them or lean into the learning- stupid I know. 

So now I take it one step at a time. I create a benchmark - I log the bullshit I'm consuming and maybe even take/make notes on the days events that help contribute to the over-consumption and I can evaluate my calories consumed vs what I know to be 'normal' calorie consumption and I go from there. 

I'm done with shots (unless its enbrel for RA) and pills & packaged food as my go to. I'm ready to own my junk food addiction and step through what sustainable meal planning looks like.  Just made me think of  two more post opportunities for the near future. 

The Lies we Tell ourselves about Meal Planning/Prepping and "The Art of Stable". Slightly unrelated... but I will bid you adieu for now - hopefully I can become a regular on my own blog going forward... May even go public! 

Chapter 4..0!

Sooo, turned 40 about 6 weeks ago and it's been bittersweet - cool because I can use new and fun terms to describe myself, like "a woman of a certain age" or "grown".

It's also been a good excuse to do random things like have a 40th birthday smash cake photo shoot -ya that happened.... Of course there's an editorial that comes along with that as well, but for now I'd like to pave the way for future posts by sharing ramblings, because that's what a thoughtful blogger in training does, right? Another random stunt - book a cruise to Cuba with my bestie from college - that was super cool and fresh in my mind! Returned from the trip today and partially the impetus for the post.

Then there's this notion of purpose, passion, fulfillment and dreams - defining and stepping into them. I'm worried that I cannot define my "Why" for just about anything - it's scary. Like really scary - like I spend money and do cool things, but none of it has any real impact on me.  All possible indicators that I may be falling back in to depression.

That went left pretty fast. So let me circle back to the quote

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epPOw33rMgc

"If you cannot be the person you want to be right now, in this second right now; if you cannot make a decision right now, in this moment you don't have a WHY that is strong enough. And if you don't have a why that is strong enough right now, you won't have a WHY that is strong enough on Monday!"

That resonates with me because my plans are always hinged on starting Monday - whether it's getting organized, starting a new eating plan, getting more sleep - it never starts now - it's typically a Monday or 1st of the month start date, but Rachel is right, if you can't jump into it right now -chances are you aren't there... yet! Million dollar question - How do you get there?