Sh*t is Getting Real

Though I don't want to admit it I am more a creature of habit than I care to admit.

I am now 41 and a month.. last post I was closer to 40 and 2 months. So much has happened in the last year - hardly the impetus for lack of posts as much as I often forget this blog exists since it's not public. Instead I was journaling and recalled why I stopped with the hard-copy and reverted to soft copy - 1) flexibility of 'penning' thoughts wherever I am 2) when RA flareups strike, as they are now, typing is much easier 3)carrying around a notebook and a pen is so 25 years ago - ha!

Alright y'all (and likely y'all is me!) Quick Stats Updated

HW: 247

LW: 137

CW: 196 (gulp!)

I am hella scared of hitting 200 pounds and I am sooo close. I have been driving myself ragged "fearing" it and counter-intuitively eating ALL THE THINGS! None of the good things of course. I could go on and about how busy life is and how I'm stretched and blah blah blah but that would be excuses, it's true - but it's all bullshit.

I just did a quick recap in my notebook and ugggh I'll retype because it's actually worth me re-reading when I sit down for my next post. 

Heather's (Half Size Me) Lesson 4, 4 step process (I will go into that later) was a really helpful exercise an I think I will start with the water habit this week. Increasing consumption and using flavor enhancers (despite all of the criticism around the negative impact of crystal light and blah blah blah). Yah I can use fruit as well but I'm a slow water drinking so the fruit in my cup will go rancid faster than I would get through the one cup. The alleged cancer causing agents in Crystal Light take much longer to 'turn on me'.  I digress. I'll start with attempting 64 oz and work my way up to 1/2 my body weight (gulp!, that's damn near 100 oz of water per day). 

Pretending not to be disappointed that I've gained back half my weigh loss surgery wins is hard.  I hung out at 145-150 pounds for a good 18 months and was convinced I could stay there forever and frankly I stayed that course for a good stint with admittedly little effort. Maybe it was a little TOO easy.   When we left Stamford I was 159ish, by the time we got "settled" in to Loveland, say March '17 I was 165ish and struggling to get back to 159 - enter Keto diet.. which frankly never quite launched for/with me. If I lost and kept off 6 pounds on Keto that was a lot - I don't think I was ever strict enough and or ever really got into ketosis #epicfail. 

Fast forward a year to March 2018 when we moved to Columbus - I was 173-175 and pretty miserable and not happy I was buying/ fitting into bigger Mediums/Larges and wearing more of a size 12 than my coveted (10's which was the highest double digit dress size I ever wanted to wear again).., Ha! Really? Fast forward another 18 months in Sep 2019 and I'm a whopping 196 pounds! What in all the fuck happened - 30 pounds in less than 3 years? I've regained one third of my WLS loss in 3 years, which is 10 pounds per year, approximately 1 pound per month! Now let me offer some more context - less than 6 months ago I was 170ish on the brink of getting back into my 10s comfortably and coming for the 160s with a vengeance. That was first round of HCG - which looking back was not hard the first go, but almost impossible the 2nd 2 attempt to follow in subsequent months. True to form Heather's theory I shouldn't celebrate that success because here I am back up those coveted 20 pounds with 5 friends considering my highest recorded weight since WLS was 190 in January.. Today I stand at the same height of 5'3" and 196! It hurts even typing it. 

Yesterday I told someone I'm not losing because I don't want to or I'm not actually ready - sure I want to, but short of inundating my brain with blogs and potential plans I've been eating my way quickly towards 200 pounds.  

I recently stumbled across Heather Robertson's podcast, Half Size Me and I'm moved by it. Clearly not moved enough to start but Heather takes a different approach to weightloss. She encourages maintenance mindset and being honest, sincere and kind with yourself about habits, non negotiables and what can be a sustainable weightloss experience that won't throw you back into the perils of bad habits and the inevitable regain. 

Through the podcast she's helped me identify so much BEHAVIOR bullshit which is really MindSET bullshit that I almost look forward to traffic so I can get through a full session. Most are anywhere from 35-60 minutes. Did I really just say I look forward to traffic? ha! Yah, that happened. What do I really want ? What am I NOT prepared to give up? Can I be ok with being patient with my weightloss?

To be clear, she doesn't endorse any plan over another as much as she encourages more thoughtful steps before jumping into the next plan. Where are you now? what are you doing now? What is your current benchmark. I could go on an on- check out her website halfsizeme.com (which I'm less familiar with) than her blog, Half Size Me which I have come to rely on heavily. 

So back to my next steps - what are they? What's really challenging me from getting my shit together? 

Laziness - throwing a pity party - FOMO - feeling like I suddenly should have it all even though I haven't put for consistent effort in much of anything lately? 

Again this year has come with some pretty amazing opportunities and wins but I'm a big hung up on my own nonsense like extra weight to actually celebrate them or lean into the learning- stupid I know. 

So now I take it one step at a time. I create a benchmark - I log the bullshit I'm consuming and maybe even take/make notes on the days events that help contribute to the over-consumption and I can evaluate my calories consumed vs what I know to be 'normal' calorie consumption and I go from there. 

I'm done with shots (unless its enbrel for RA) and pills & packaged food as my go to. I'm ready to own my junk food addiction and step through what sustainable meal planning looks like.  Just made me think of  two more post opportunities for the near future. 

The Lies we Tell ourselves about Meal Planning/Prepping and "The Art of Stable". Slightly unrelated... but I will bid you adieu for now - hopefully I can become a regular on my own blog going forward... May even go public!